Lashing Offense?

My naiveté is showing again. Awhile back my Nespresso machine stopped warming milk; an essential component of my morning latte. Thankfully, or so I thought at that time, I had a driver and a compound restaurant. The driver took care of all of the details with the Nespresso machine. Took it into the distributor, made sure it got fixed and made the trips back and forth hoping to get there while opened because, still, sometimes knowing when businesses are opened is more like dumb luck.

While the machine was being fixed I was thankful for the compound restaurant because I could get up in the morning, give a call and have my morning fix delivered to my doorstep. Not bad! After a short time an employee at the restaurant got wise to my calling and started to call me asking if I would like a latte...even better!

Then he started calling to chit chat (which I politely tried to get out of)

Then he asked me for my personal mobil number (which I did not give him)

Then he ran out of the restaurant every time I walked passed bringing treats for the kids (which I did not accept)

Then I came home one afternoon to find that he had brought food over that I didn't order nor did I pay for.

Uh oh.

I had a problem. What to do?

I pondered this for awhile. How should I handle this situation.

I could be straight forward...get in his face...order him to leave me alone...I thought in this environment, that could be dangerous. At the end of the day, I don't want anybody to have a reason to dislike me.

My husband was out of town...so, that wasn't an option.

Right! I have a maid and a driver. I decided that the best course of action was probably to remove myself from the situation entirely. I sent the maid with money for the food, asked her to pay for it. While there, she told the man that he should leave me alone because he could get in big trouble for his behavior. When my husband returned, he had words with the man and told him it was inappropriate for him to be calling and bringing over food to our house.

I relayed this story to some friends of mine and the man in the family commented that this was "a lashing offense". I think it is, but at the end of the day, if reported, I am unsure who would be getting the lashing.

Conversations With My Driver

Those of you who have been reading, know that we have had difficulty with our drivers. Earlier this year we decided that we had no other choice but to employ our own full-time driver. And, really, the problems that we had had with the driver's prior to new-new driver have vanished. Our current driver is reliable and likes the children and is nice enough. But, at the end of the day, I have had a problem with the basic idea of having a driver and the reality of having a driver.

I am not so put off by the fact that I am not allowed to drive here. As long as I get from point A to point B I am happy. Having a driver, however, means that there is always an extra person in the car, an extra set of eyes, an extra set of ears. This has been irritating to me. I have come to realize that the time in the car in the past was a time that the kids and I could talk, and be silly. My daughter and I love to car dance. Now I feel forced to watch my behavior as we are always in the company of a non-related man. It was either old-new driver or new-old driver that made me aware of this.

Over the past seven or eight months I have been hating having a driver. But something happened over the summer. We came back from summer vacation and all of a sudden having a driver wasn't the most irritating thing in the world. We have adapted. And recently I have realized that my driver is a wise man:

"Madam, I am learning things from you every day"

"Really?"

"Yes, you know you have one child on one side of you screaming and complaining and another child on the other side crying and screaming. And you, you never get upset. You do not hit your children. I see many parents hitting their children. You do not yell. This I see all the time. You are calm and you explain to them. When I have a wife, I will talk to her, I will tell her that that is the kind of parent I want to be."

This after what I would call the most challenging week of being a parent! Maybe having a driver isn't a bad thing...maybe an extra pair of eyes and ears isn't so bad. I think I'm keeping this one around. He's good for a little pick me up!

Comfortably Numb

I know, many of you are wondering if there is anybody out there.... Two and a half months have gone by without word..what is she doing????

Well in all honesty, I have been comfortably enjoying my life in Saudi Arabia. Where year one was filled with chaos and uncertainty, getting to know new people, missing old friends, and worrying about children adjusting; year two has been, thus far, filled with the comfortable predictability that comes from knowing your surroundings. Or at least those surroundings which one allows themselves to get to know.

We are enjoying our new found friendships. We are enjoying the quality of life that our children have here. We feel the good outweighs the bad. Yet, we are a little ambivalent. At the end of the day this is a temporary life, a life that one has to leave so the question of when to leave is omnipresent. This, I feel, makes it a little bit difficult to live in the now. Instead, we are always thinking one step ahead and weighing this life against a life we imagine we would have some place else.

So, how does Saudi measure up?

Today's weigh in goes something like this:

On the plus side, I personally am enjoying compound life. We have met some fantastic people and every day I know that if I want I will bump into somebody I know and can do anything from say 'hi' and give a passing smile to have a cup of coffee or chat for a couple of hours.

I am enjoying the multi-cultural-ness of it all. I am not surrounded by Americans, I am not surrounded by Swedes. Today, I am in regular contact with people from around the world. This is something positive for us all. The kids have friends from around the world, the majority of their friends speak two languages as do they. This, I believe, gives them a different view and understanding of the world as compared to the one they would have had had they lived their life in only Sweden or the US.

Another bonus is that the kids have time to be involved in quite a few activities and I am getting to spend more time with them here than I would have had we been someplace else.

On the minus side:

I miss having a home of my own. Living here is a little like hotel living. And, sometimes I long to get out into the woods....to go for a hike..to hear the wind rustling through the trees. To smell the rain. I miss the nature that is not desert.

As long as the plus side is heavier than the minus side I guess we'll continue to be comfortably numb here in Saudi Arabia....at least until we can figure out something else to do.

Criticisms

Well, I have (rightfully so) been getting criticism about being such a poor blogger.

I must say, it is getting more and more difficult. I am beginning to think that I don't really see Saudi Arabia any more. I don't really see what's out there to see. I don't see what's happening right in front of my eyes. Instead I am getting bogged down with the simple things in life: getting the kids off to school, making sure food is on the table, making doctors appointments, writing grocery lists, etc., etc., etc.

And, increasingly, my living in Saudi Arabia isn't only about living in Saudi Arabia...it is becoming more difficult to see living here as something different, fun, and exciting to do for a short period of time, something to experience. Instead it is turning into a place where I have begun to reflect upon my life in not only Saudi Arabia but, even more so, my life in Sweden and my life in the USA. I guess, living here is becoming much more about me living than about me living in Saudi Arabia.

At the end of the day, that is how it is. One adapts to one's surroundings; finds their place in the midst of it all...what once was strange and foreign becomes the norm. And, although some things are irritating simply because one has known a different way and wishes for example that one could find Kellogg's Corn Flakes because Poppin's Corn Flakes just aren't good enough, in the end it all boils down to:

getting the kids off to school

making sure food is on the table

making doctors appointments

writing grocery lists

etc

etc

etc

Its a Crazy World

In the almost 11 months that we have been here, we have gone through 3 drivers and are on number four. Driver number 1, or "old-old" driver, as I like to call him, was from Pakistan and drove his own car. He did not drive for us full-time. We all liked him but, he was forced to go back home to Kashmir due to illness.

Driver number two didn't last very long. He was from India. In addition to having a really bad attitude and disappearing, he called one day an hour before our six year old daughter was to be picked up from school and said he wasn't coming. That put an end to him.

Driver number three, or "old-new" driver, as I like to call him, is Saudi. We all liked him. He wasn't driving for us full-time either, but was seeing to our daughter's transportation to and from school. On the way home from taking her to school the other morning he says to me:

"You know madam, this driver here" pointing to a man standing by the curb, "he is no good. He is always asking me if I want to buy whiskey". For those of you who don't know, alcohol is forbidden in Saudi Arabia and having it comes with pretty high punishments. He continues, "I tell him yes, I buy a bottle. But then, he never comes with it...so I say forget it"

Then he goes on to tell me how alcohol is just trouble, many people drink too much and get into fights. He then tells me a story about a time he and his brother go to Egypt and his brother came home with 2 bottles of Black Label whiskey, which the brother thought they should drink. Old-new driver says to his brother, "No, it is too much, one glass is plenty..it isn't ice cream." Then he continues to tell me about what a responsible drinker he is, understanding the dangers of drinking too much (similar discussions have taken place about his superior driving skills) followed by:

"Madam, you remember that day that I came and your daughter was feeling a little heavy and I was speaking so much english, that day I had had two glasses of black label before I left to come pick you up"

DRIVER SAY WHAT?!

This is the same driver that "old-old" driver warned us (and when I say us, I mean me) not to trust.

Needless to say, old-new driver has been replaced by "new-new" driver who has survived almost a full week and I really hope he is going to work out well...it seems as if he will. Although yesterday I was fed up (today I am blaming that on my trip to the dentist) and when he asked "Madam, do you know how to drive" followed by "In Saudi Arabia women are not allowed to drive, our religion doesn't allow it. Women can be mothers and housewives only" I did want to rip into him a little. Not because I was personally offended or anything but (1) I was a little bit irritated by his naivety and (2) I was not 100% sure why he was saying this to me. Me a woman (and although I hate to admit it), a woman higher up on the food chain than he. (Today I think he was just trying to break the ice and chose a poor subject to start off with). At the time, I chose not to respond and gave him a vague, "Oh."

Sometimes I look at him and see a deep sadness. I wonder what it must be like to grow up in Bangladesh, one of the poorest countries in the world. A place where I can only imagine corruption and exploitation are the name of the game. Only to leave it at 16 to come to a country where Bangladeshi's are at the bottom in terms of status, where indentured servitude is alive and well, where the vulnerable and poor are exploited and abused.

He is 28 years old,

He has lived alone in Saudi Arabia for 12 years,

He speaks 5 languages,

He has not been home in 6 years,

His father died last year,

His mother wants him to get married,

He thinks decisions about marriage should be taken slowly as it is the most important decision in life,

He believes his sponsor is not a good man,

He does not talk about whether or not he likes Saudi Arabia because "what choice do [I] have?",

He believes that living in Europe is an unobtainable dream for him,

He believes hurricanes are acts of God,

He wonders if my husband and I married for love, and

He softens when he sees my children.

Our maid does not know if she will go home this summer...why? Because one of the families she works for has told her that they just can not manage without her for 20 days. They couldn't possibly take a substitue for those 15 hours. She works for them one day, five hours per week.

Is not seeing your family after a year more important than 15 hours of house cleaning? Who is this family that would make her worry about such a thing...make such a choice? Why are they not telling her,

Yes,

Of course,

Go home,

See your loved ones,

Have a nice time,

See you when you get back?!

Are they not giving her an unspoken threat...if you go, we may not take you back. Five hours per week. Is that not the rich taking advantage of the poor? Is that not unreasonable? May she never go home?

Again, I wonder, what is this crazy world we live in?

Osama bin Laden is Dead

My father tells a story about when he was little. He and his younger brother got into an argument. They were outside and each had his bicycle with him. At one point one of the brothers got so upset that he took a rock and threw it at the other brother's bicycle, damaging it. In response to this, the other brother took a rock and hurled it at the first brother's bike. This cycle continued until both of the brothers were sobbing and both of the bicycles were damaged-- but, somehow, they could not stop casting stones at the other's prized possession. Finally, my grandmother came out wondering what was going on and put a stop to the youngsters pain and suffering.

The news of Osama bin Laden's death has had many people rejoicing, celebrating, cheering. Osama bin Laden. A man that caused many people pain. Osama bin Laden. A man that made many people suffer.

He had a lot of followers.

He had a mother

He had a father

He had a wife

He had children

According to at least one news report, one of his daughters watched while he was being killed.

I wonder how my mother would feel if she were to see me being shot?

...my father?

...my husband?

...my daughter?

...my son?

Would it be hate? fear? sadness? rage? loneliness? confusion? something....else?

I wonder who is being hit by the rocks of Osama bin Laden's terrorist activities?

I wonder who is being hit by the rocks of retaliation?

I wonder who is being hit by the rocks of rejoicement?

I wonder how it all will end?

If history tells us anything, it will never end.

I guess now it is time for somebody on Osama bin Laden's side to hurt somebody's bicycle.

I only wonder who will come outside and give everybody a hug when this is all over.

Bin Laden chose wrong path in history: Khashoggi

http://arabnews.com/saudiarabia/article379792.ece

Expatriates hope for and end to terror killings

http://arabnews.com/world/osama_bin_laden/article380395.ece

Fear, doubt, disbelief over Osama's death

http://arabnews.com/world/osama_bin_laden/article380401.ece

Death to boost anti-terror fight: Kingdom

http://arabnews.com/saudiarabia/article380281.ece

The Mating Game

Before I moved to Riyadh I read a book, Girls of Riyadh by Rahaa Alsanea.

The story recounts the encounters with life of 4 college girls who are close friends. It touches on what life is like for young women in Saudi Arabia, at least women who come from what can be described as the upper class. It probably goes without saying that the book touches also on the relationship between men and women in this highly controlled Islamic society. There are some rather tragic occurrences as far as love is concerned and after reading the book I was left with a sense of compassion for not only the young women of Saudi Arabia but also for the young men. The relationships between men and women are completely controlled by the family which means that not only are the young women forced by their culture, duty, honor to behave a certain way but so are the men.

Since living in Saudi Arabia I have seen this difficulty for young men and women. The most striking example is the shopping mall. Young single men are stopped by security at the doors to large shopping malls and not let in. They (young men) also circle shopping malls with their cars...(they cruise the shopping malls!) holding out signs with their phone numbers on them while women are lined up waiting for their drivers (as they can not approach each other). An attempt to come into contact with the opposite sex.

But what has been interesting to me is since I have moved here I have gotten a flood of friend requests on Facebook and the like:

Firas Abu Thabet

Mohammed Mifzaal Tungekar

Tarik Laalilisse

Meshari Alnassar

Dadz Baligtad

Abram Emil

mrc03

Waleed40

gemadesigner

turki009

jwilliam

footix

abdullah099

nightshift

etc,

etc,

etc...

all want to be my friends..it must be lonely to not be able to meet people freely. To not be able to have a friendly exchange. To not be able to "hang out". To not be able to meet for coffee. To not be able to talk on the phone. To not be able to "date", grab a burger, all of the things that seem so easy for others of that age.

Images of Riyadh

A lot of people have been writing to me and asking me to post pictures. I don't feel 100% confortable taking pictures in public. Taking pictures here is... sensitive. So here, I am posting some pictures taken by others (sorry and thanks) of things I have seen and experienced in Riyadh.

Looking over Riyadh city center. The tall building is al Faisaliah Tower, one of two man made landmarks...in a city with no water and no mountains and where everything is about two storys high and sand colored..these babies come in handy! The round ball at the top is called The Globe and is a restaurant. http://www.alfaisaliahhotel.com/dine5.cfm

Kingdom tower (the other landmark!), Riyadh city center. The very top of this building is a sky bridge. http://kingdomcentre.com.sa/kc/skybridge/

The shopping malls are pretty normal looking ...

I see this building every time I leave the house...

A couple of the local souks...

As you may be able to tell, being here is rather...confusing. At times, it is like being on an exclusive vacation and at other times it fells like being on a backpackers' adventure!

Taking the Back Seat

After 10 months in Riyadh, it may be time for me to toughen up and get wise....

Part of me doesn't even want to write this because I am feeling a little bit like an idiot but at the same time, if I am going to have a blog about living in Saudi Arabia, I better be willing to share what it is like (for me at least) to live in Saudi Arabia...or, what is the point?

Since we've moved here we have used a driver from Pakistan. He has been really good to the kids and really helpful. I have trusted him and been thankful for his help....especially in the beginning when everything felt so foreign. Anyway, up until about March he was even driving our daughter to school and picking her up. So he has gotten to know the kids really well, and they are always happy to see him.

Then, my husband's employer said that they would provide transportation for our kids to and from school. There is a policy at his work that no children of the employees should be riding on school buses and the car they are riding in should of a certain size...think Suburban. This is for "security reasons". So, in comes a new/additional driver, a Saudi. He too is nice, the kids like him and he speaks well of my husband and family. Seems to be friendly to everybody and never says a bad word about others. That is usually my bottom line judge of character. If a person can get through a conversation without complaining about others then I believe them to be pretty decent...and believe me, it isn't many that can do it, people love to complain about others. Both of the drivers are the type of people that seem to be kind at heart. In a place where racism and classism run rampant, they give everybody a smile and a wave and the Saudi driver doesn't get shaken up when he is being bullied for being an Arab. It happens. The foreigners here (Fillapino, Pakastani, Indian, Bangladeshi, etc, etc) rip on the Saudis and give them such a hard time...it is interesting.

It is somewhat of an important point to me. Because I am a woman I use a driver whenever I go somewhere. The compound also offers drivers so sometimes I use these drivers and I have in the months that I have been here probably met 10+ drivers and they are not all helpful, they are not all nice to the kids, and they are not all warm, friendly or outgoing. I feel lucky when I meet a driver that is these things because at the end of the day, I am spending quite a bit of time with them.

Now, two weeks ago I called our Pakastani driver. I wanted to go shopping with a girl friend of mine and wanted him to drive us for the morning. He didn't answer. It was somebody else, and as you may imagine, there is a language barrier. What I got out of the conversation was that he was in the hospital and (I think) having some sort of surgery.

Two days ago he called, yes he had been in the hospital, something with his stomach. Even with this driver that I have spent a lot of time with the language barrier is present but I do get out of it that he is going home to Kashmir in approx 2 days and the future is uncertain for him. I invite him to stop by when he has a minute so we can say goodbye.

Now when my husband leaves I usually know that I have our Pakastani driver (aka MAN) to rely on if we should need anything. But, when my husband left for this trip to Europe, I didn't know what was happening with the driver other than he was in the hospital. So, I asked the new company driver if he didn't know somebody that could drive for us. At that, he said that he would do it. He was already taking the kids to school and he explained that he got off of work at 3:00 in the afternoon which meant that we are his last pick-up of the day. He comes here at 1:30 everyday and takes me to pick up my daughter from school. So he could theoretically pick up our car and leave the company car on the days when I have to run errands. He and my husband talk about it and it is decided. He'll drive for me this week while my husband is gone in the afternoons if I need it. It also gives me somebody to call in case of an emergency that can drive and that knows Arabic and Riyadh. I immediately feel better about my husband leaving us for a week.

Now, when the company driver arrives in the big company Suburban I hop in the back in my abaya and sit with the kids. But when he arrives in our little (well, compared to a Suburban) Four Runner (or whatever it is) I sit in the front. The two car seats take up about all of the width of the car. I could get between the two, but it is quite cramped and I have to crawl over a car seat to get into the middle. In the car, our daughter picks the music and it is usually something pretty up beat and by the time we get home we are all singing and laughing and usually car dancing. The driver is even joining in, teasing our daughter because he doesn't know any of the words to our western music but is adding in his own to the tune trying to get her to laugh. Innocent good fun.

Today when we pulled up after school, our Pakistani driver was waiting out in front of the house. I was so happy to see him that I got out of the car, went up to him and, now I didn't kiss him on the check but I did put my cheek close to his cheek (no, no touching) and gave a little smack with the lips...on both sides (you know, how the french great each other. It is very common here that people greet one another in that manner). I didn't even think about what I was doing. I was greeting a "friend" in my eyes. I failed to consider that this "friend" is our driver and does not come from the compound world but comes from the off-compound world. We come from two different classes, two different worlds and maybe above all, I am a woman and he is a man. But, these things I didn't think about, I only thought that here is a person that has been in our lives for almost a year on almost a daily basis, that has taken care of our family to a certain extent, that is ill and looks it and I was happy to see him.

I introduced the two men and our daughter ran around trying to find a picture she had drawn for our "old" driver. Then we said good-bye to our "new" driver and sat down on the front porch. I asked our guest if he wanted to come in but he said no. He never does.

Then he looks at me, solemnly, and says,

"Madam, he is Arab, you must be careful, never trust anybody"

I am thinking it is personal. That old Pakastani driver does not think we should trust new Arab driver. But, as the conversation unfolds I realize that I have committed several infractions (these weren't specifically pointed out to me, but in the course of the conversation, I come to realize...remember where I am):

1. Sitting in the front seat with an Arab man
2. Singing, laughing and smiling while sitting in the front seat with an Arab man
3. Greeting a man in a manner that could be perceived as non-virtuous (ie: wicked, sinful, bad, vile, etc., etc.)
4. Inviting a man inside my home

"Madam, you're husband isn't home is he?" our old driver asks in a rhetorical manner. He didn't want me to answer, he knew, he wanted me to understand.

And then my head starts spinning a little. It may not necessarily be the Arab driver, personally, that the Pakastani driver is concerned about (although I do get the hint that just because he is Arab he should not be trusted), it is the environment. The (other Arab) men that guard the compound(s) and see me coming and going with an Arab man for example could very well call the authorities and "report" what they think they may have witnessed...nothing in my eyes, but a lot in theirs. I also get the feeling that the same rules do not apply to everybody here. When it comes to virtue, the Arabs may be holding themselves to a higher standard and while it may be perfectly alright for an American woman to for example sit in the front seat with a Pakastani driver it may not be OK to sit in the front seat with an Arab driver.

For the first time (apart from those first few outings) I start to feel a little unsafe. Who can I call?

Friend #1, American married to an Arab:

"You are kind of in a tough spot."

"Better to remove the car seats and put one of the kid on your lap and sit in the back seat."

"Don't worry, I have committed almost every infraction imaginable, live and learn"

Friend #2, American married to a Moroccan:

"You know, I wouldn't worry. If you were Arab or Lebanese or middle eastern, yes but, you are an American, they understand that we just don't get it"

Friend #3 Norwegian married to a Norwegian

"You know, I had a conversation with my driver (not Arab) a long time ago about living in Saudi Arabia and he said that 10 years ago a woman would not have been able to sit in the front seat but that today that isn't the case."

"You probably should consider the fact that jealousy could be involved. Your old driver has a sense of responsibility for you and your family and now he is leaving and you are moving on to a new driver"

Friend #4 Canadian married to a Lebanese

"Since I have been living in the middle east I have changed so much. I never offer my hand to a man unless he extends his hand first, I never make eye contact...even on the compound."

Needless to say that the next day I sat in the back seat. I tried my best not to sing along to the music or make too much eye contact with our driver and I certainly didn't car dance.....

Not Without My Daughter

I have to say that I think we have had good fortune. Living as we live on a compound, not speaking Arabic, and our children not attending a national school, we have had the good fortune of meeting some Saudi nationals. Today the grand total is four. We live in Saudi Arabia and we know four Arabs and I am not sure if one of them counts. They are all men. Three of whom are married to non-Saudis. All of whom are living here in Saudi Arabia.

We were talking to one of the wives the other night and she told us about the story of her moving here from the US. Of course her family's first reaction was panic (not unlike my family's reaction). At this I said,

"They've probably been watching too much Not Without My Daughter"

"Yes", she replies, "when they start to worry or wonder what we are up to they always call my husband with accusation in their voices" Even though they've been married for several years and have half-grown children, the family at home in the US still worries that the Arab is going to harm their daughter.

I started thinking, what if people believed that all American's

only eat at McDonalds
are obese
are racist
are violent
...etc, etc

Many people do believe these things about Americans and what a warped view of the US these people must have...A country of 300 million obese individuals, eating breakfast, lunch and dinner at McDonalds, hating others because of their race, all the while violence running rampant. Doesn't sound like a very nice place to me.

But really, I couldn't remember what actually happened in Not Without My Daughter...Sally Field was married to a man from the middle east, I think I remember that he seemed a kind man. He then wants to move the family to his home country and there he turns into a crazy man who pretty much imprisons the wife and child in their own home..is that how it went?

It made me wonder what we think when met by a piece of work out of Hollywood or even the news:

Sensational or undramatic

Deviant or average

Extreme or normal

Don't they call them dramatizations for a reason?

In reality,

CBS Healthwatch wrote an article about fast food in 2001. In the article, they write that 25% of Americans eat fast food. If 25% eat fast food that means that 75% don't.. So at least 75% of the US population does not eat at McDonalds.

According to the CDC, the US state with the highest rate of obesity is Mississippi (2009). Here, the obesity rate is 34.4%. This may be high and we may have a lot of feelings about it but this is far from every American...in fact, most Americans are not obese.

You get the point.

But this idea of all Arab men being untrustworthy and all women in the middle east being what we in the west would consider abused to some extent...how do we ourselves measure up on this score? According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence:

1 in 4 women in the US will fall victim to DV in their lifetimes

1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year

85% of DV victims are women

Most cases of DV are never reported to the police

So, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black

Mutaawa!

Last night we went out with some friends. The plan was to go out to dinner and then come back to our place for some friendly competition, board game style. As the final prayer of the day was at 7:45pm we decided to make our dinner reservation for just after prayer at 8:20. In the evening you never know what traffic is going to be like. From about 6:00pm - 12:00am it is rush hour. Here the day is flipped around. Anyway, we arrived at the restaurant at 7:50 so we had some time to wait. We decided to walk around and wait for the doors of the restaurant to (re) open. The weather was nice and well waiting outside seemed like a better idea then waiting in the car...that is, right up until the Mutaawa (religious police) showed up.

A car, like a Jeep Cherokee, (although I can't be sure because I didn't really give it a good look) with lights flashing slowed and stopped in the street by where we were standing and one of the men in our group said:

"Is that the Mutaawa?"

Now, for some reason, even though there is no reason to be frightened, my natural reaction is to panic and my girlfriend and I both turn our backs to the street and look at our husbands. As we are women the Mutaawa are not allowed to address us...so if we were alone, they could not come up to us but they get out of their car and approach us. And what is interesting is that they are really young.

"Arabic?"

"What?"

"Arabic?"

"What...no"

The man takes hold of his ghuttra (the red checkered scarf men wear here) and starts signing to us (as it is apparent his english is not very good) It is clear that he wants us (the women) to cover our hair. But our friend says,

"If your women came to our country we wouldn't ask them to cover their hair"

He stands there in strong defiance, staring at the Mutaawa with no apparent discomfort, just a calm lack of respect. He is much bigger than they are. (Now, this is not me, I'll gladly cover my hair, without a word, just to get them to go away and avoid any confrontation) And that is what we did. We quickly covered our hair, silently, not looking at them. I missed part of the exchange in my scrambling to cover my hair because, yes, on the inside, I just want them to GO AWAY!

But I do hear:

"Go house!"

"Go house!"

"Go house!"

Some more words are exchanged between the men and then the Mutaawa leave. I ask,

"Did they want us to go home?"

No. Apparently they thought

(1) we should not be outside during prayer but we weren't the only ones out on the street and the whole thing is kind of lost on us non-muslims,

(2) we should not be wearing sandals. This I have actually thought about several times but hey, it is HOT here and no, I'm not sticking my feet in sweaty shoes just because the Mutaawa don't want my amazingly sexy toes showing and

(3) our hair should be covered.

So in 9 months that is my second run in with the Mutaawa and I have to say, even though I feel uncomfortable ---because I am expecting them to be rude and mean (probably because of what I have read and imagined before coming here)---they are not, they are polite and non-threatening.

The Safety of Marriage

So the other night I was in bed sleeping and woke up to a terrible itching sensation on the ring finger of my left hand. This has happened several times before in the past few months. I remove my wedding rings to find a red pealing rash of some sort...oh, how it itches! The pharmacist seems to think I have developed an allergic reaction to gold. My first thought...I guess I get to go pick out new platinum wedding rings! Although, truth be told, I believe wedding rings should be gold. (Could be the fault of Freda Payne and the countless others who have sung about gold bands...but I couldn't be sure)

For several days now I haven't been wearing my wedding rings. But today, I am going out on a shopping excursion. Our daughter's school is having a Saudi Arabia theme week and on Wednesday they are to come clad in Arabian wear. So, today I will go out and buy my 6 year old an abaya. As I am getting ready, I am eyeing my wedding rings. I think to myself, should I put them on? And, after considering it for awhile, I do.

As little as I want to be swayed by other's opinions, I have to admit with this action that I am. I have heard several times that single women are more likely to be harassed in KSA than married women. Now, I have never been harassed, and if you have read this blog you know that I have never felt intimidated or offended or uncomfortable or, or, or. In fact, as a woman that has grown up in the US with a lot of freedom I can say that there have been several occasions during my lifetime in the US where I have felt threatened...there have been times when I have crossed the street to avoid coming too close to what I have sensed as danger, or have had to ignore remarks made at my passing by, at least once I was physically grabbed by a man while walking down the streeet...but here? never. Granted, I am not out as much here as I would be out other places, I haven't been here very long and I do not speak the language..but even when I moved to Sweden I experienced a certain amount of discomfort and uncertainty, yes maybe even fear due to the fact that I didn't speak the language..but here? not so much.

Is it really more dangerous here? Hostle. That's how my neighbor put it in our brief meeting yesterday. Hostle.

"Hi how are you?"

"Good! How are you?"

"We're fine, how are you adjusting to life in KSA?"

"It's good, I like it. The weather is wonderful and it is really easy to meet people...very social. I like it"

"Yes, well I guess it gets social because we are in such a hostile environment. It makes us want to stick together."

It does? Really? Is that why I am meeting people? Because I (and they) feel threatened by my (our) environment? I don't see it...or feel it.

Am I just naive?

Running Errands in the Kingdom

In many ways, living in Saudi Arabia is very relaxing. It is a calm way of life where everything seems to move a little in slow motion. Most of the people I meet here seem not to have a care in the world. And, even though Riyadh is a big city with a lot of trafic, people do not seem to be stressed out or in a big rush.

I sometimes feel the complete opposite. I feel that I am always aware of the time because of prayer. Yesterday (well I actually wrote this quite awhile ago so not really yesterday) I had planned to take the kids to a shopping mall. I needed a dress, and I thought they would appreciate playing in the amusement park. I had asked our maid to come with so that we could split up if need be. I asked my driver to be here at 9:00 and our maid was also going to come at 9:00. I knew the shops inside the mall didn't open until 10:00 but thought we could get there early, walk around, and be where we needed to be at 10:00 to maximize our usable time. Just under 2 hours.

At 20 after the driver pulled up. We buckled in the car seats and loaded the kids into the car. At 9:30 the maid called. We picked her up on the way out of the compound. So at 9:50 we were on our way. So much for being early. Everybody full of smiles, and me looking at the time. The ride was pleasant. The two in the front sharing all of the places they thought the kids and I should visit. I must admit, I didn't catch most of it. They seemed to understand each other but I have a difficult time with some of the english exchanged between a Pakistani and a Fillapina.

We arrived at the mall well after 10:00. I sent the kids right away to the amusement park and I wend on a hunt for a dress. I didn't find a dress but I did find a new abaya. In the shop they sell the abayas in XXXXXXXXL and then they tailor them. After measuring and asking how I would like it to fit, the man said the alteration would take about 15 minutes. NO problem, I could go buy the kids some chalk and come back. When I came back they said they needed more time and would call me when finished.

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.

It was already 11:30. I had to go get the kids and get lunch ordered before prayer at 11:54 (the prayer times change every day) so I walked all the way to the other end of the mall, went down three flights and rallied the troops toward the food court. As we waited in line the two women in front of us were so taken with the kids that they turned around and started talking to us. Pinching cheeks, running fingers through the kids hair.

"Where are you from?"

"How long have you been here?"

"What do you think of Saudi Arabia?"

"Saudi Arabia welcomes you!!"

As I was waiting for my food, my phone rang and it was my abaya ready to be picked up. I told the man on the other end that it wasn't going to happen, I was waiting for food, the kids were sitting, waiting, hungry. So, he offered to deliver the abaya to me at the food court. How is that for service?! Only one problem----no single men in the family section. He was stopped by security trying to deliver my abaya to me!

After eating, taking the kids by the play area and calling for the driver we mozied down to the pick-up area. While we were waiting two men started trying to get Elliot's attention. It is really festive to see these men -- in their crisp white throbes, red and white checkered ghutra headdress --squatting down, smiling trying to coax a toddler over to them. Their attempts were thwarted, as every time he came to within 3 meters of them, he turned with a smile and ran the other way. Finally, they were forced by their inner desire to come over and chat with us.

"What's your son's name?"

"Where are you from?"

"You speak really good english!"

"How long were you in the States?"

Some of you may be wondering, well, why did they ask the last question? It is because when people (strangers) ask me where I am from I always say Sweden. It isn't exactly a lie. I am technically here from Sweden. I moved to KSA from Sweden. I have a Swedish passport, I have Swedish citizenship, and my iquama (visa) is based on my Swedish passport. However, I'm not really Swedish. So, although Sweden is the non-controversial answer, I do always feel a little strange saying that I am from Sweden.

"You speak really good english!"

"American english!"

"Yes, I've spent a lot of time there" I guess I could have said "thank-you." But, I just love these little encounters I get to have with Saudi nationals...it isn't often, but every time it has happened I've been so happy. Every time it has been pleasant and positive. I hope that before we leave here, we actually have a Saudi friend.

(A few weeks ago, when I was setting up my phone with a new plan, the man helping me was very nice and finally I said to him, "you speak very good english". "Yes," he said, "I've lived most of my life in the US". His father was a diplomat and he lived during his childhood in Washington DC. I asked if he had been back to visit. And he said, not since September 11th. As a person that has moved around in the world, I thought this a little sad. Although he was proud of being a Saudi ("I am Saudi, my mother is Saudi, my father is Saudi.") There is something about childhood experiences and places that people hold close to their hearts. When I left he gave me his card and said that we could call anytime, even if we just wanted some ideas about what to do in Riyadh. Nice.)

"How long were you in the States?" Boy how I was sorry that I had said anything about being from Sweden and about spending a lot of time in the states....I'm not a very good bender of the truth. I could've said, "I've been there a lot, I have family there" Or something. I could've said I was American... but, after almost 10 years of being an American in the world, I like being from a non-controversial place. I've had enough of being a "spokesperson" for American foreign policy, enough of defending or even having an opinion about the US, enough of correcting small or large ignorances about the American people, enough of answering questions about the "typical American". I am a typical American (ok well, maybe not anymore, I guess I don't know) and I don't even know what that means.... luckily the phone rang and interrupted our conversation right when they were awaiting a reply, it was the driver who had arrived. We said some quick good-byes and left. But not before the men gave the kids each a piece of chewing gum.

French for Beginners

When we were getting ready to move to Saudi Arabia, I got asked quite often if I was going to learn Arabic. I hadn't really decided but knew myself that I would have to make a conscious decision as to whether I would try to learn Arabic or not. I decided to not. Why? Well, learning a new language takes time and energy and I thought that maybe that time and energy would be better spent on other things...swimming with the kids for example.

Fast forward 9 months. I'm getting my haircut. I have been regularly going to a salon off-compound. Some of the women speak english but not all...Arabic is the language to know if you're going to chat. So the idea was festering again. Should I learn Arabic? It would make certain things easier, I think I would understand my surroundings a little bit more and of course get a better feel for the people and the culture...but Arabic? That means new alphabet, guttural stops, reading from right to left....I already speak two languages, how much time and energy am I willing to put into this?

After checking into a local school where Arabic is taught, I started to realize that really, the language that I have most contact with here is not Arabic but French. Then I started thinking about all of the times we've been to France...skiing, wine tasting, Paris, the Riviera, Normandie, Avignon...France is one of those countries that seems to have it all...and the food, did I mention the food? I am one of those people that thinks food is one of life's simple pleasures and a good (bad) meal can make (or break) an entire day.

So all of a sudden I started thinking maybe Arabic isn't the language to learn, maybe it is French....when I looked into an on-line course I found that the 12th lesson was entitled "I've got a hangover" Now, I must say, I'm really intrigued.

Saudi Arabia is (not) a Class Society

Yesterday I read an interesting article in the newspaper. One of the princes at a talk he gave at one of the universities told the audience that Saudi Arabia is not a class society. His argument was that since all people are equal according the the Qur'an and that Saudi Arabia is an Islamic country, that it is not a class society. The reason I found this interesting is because Saudi Arabia is a class society to the extreme:

Job postings list the nationality that are allowed to apply for different positions. Higher ranking positions are available only to Saudi, European and North American applicants. Lower ranking positions are divided between far east, asian, subsaharan, north african etc applicants.

I am not exaggerating when I say that many domestic workers here are indentured servants. Along with their sponsorship to come to Saudi Arabia they are expected to pay their sponsors monthly. Others get here and their sponsors refuse to pay them making it impossible for the individual to return home without "fleeing" from their sponsor in search of another (illegal) employment in order to raise the funds to go home.

In other words, in Saudi Arabia there is class distinction between:

the powerful and the powerless

the rich and the poor

the culture of origin

and these distinctions are openly maintained by design.

I was interested in the Prince's inability to say that Saudi Arabia IS a class society and should not be, we should do all we can as Muslims in an Islamic state to eradicate class from our society as is taught in the Qur'an.

Regional Unrest

Well, it has been going on for quite sometime now but, now that I've taken up the blog again, I guess I feel that I should comment on what has been going on in the world. Or, rather, what hasn't been going on here in Saudi Arabia.

During the last several months somewhere between protests and civil war have been taking place in the Middle East and Northern Africa:

Egypt

Tunisia

Libya

Algeria

Bahrain

Djibouti

Iraq

Iran

Jordan

Syria

Oman

Yemen

..and, can we forget (or have we forgotten) Afghanistan?

In fact, if you look closely at a map, you'll see that with little exception, Saudi Arabia is entirely surrounded by countries that can loosely be described as "in conflict". A seeming island of calm in a sea of unrest.

I wouldn't say we, and by we I mean the ex-pat community, have been entirely at ease with what has been going on. There were calls in Saudi Arabia for a "day of rage". That day was March 11th. March 11th came and went, however, with nothing eventful happening. A large police presence and no demonstrators. A few days later, our maid came in in the morning as we were getting ready for school and work

"Is Emily's school closed?"

"No [confusedly] We haven't heard anything."

"There were protests last night and the king has closed all of the schools"

A quick call to the school

"Have you heard anything?"

"No, we havent heard anything"

Later that day we find out that no, there weren't "protests" there were "celebrations" and the king didn't close the schools as a response to unrest but instead as a gift to Saudi families. (That explains why the international schools weren't closed!) These spontaneous "national holidays" happen quite often.

From what I have seen and experienced, it seems as if the people here really love the king and he is of course not a stupid man. Quite the contrary, in the midst of unrest in the middle east the Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques King Abdullah is adding thousands of new jobs to the government payroll, raising the minimum wage, fighting corruption.... and the people are celebrating him.

With that, I must remind everybody that I am not Arab and do not speak Arabic (of course you know this but, a little reminder in context never hurts!). I was completely shocked over the events in Bahrain and Oman....we were just in Bahrain in January and loved it, it felt safe and easy. We never would have imagined a situation as the one today...there. Instinct can be wrong.

An article that you may find interesting:

Saudi's Interest in Arab Upheavals Dwindling

http://arabnews.com/saudiarabia/article336631.ece

Islam and Capital Punishment

Yesterday I received a question regarding my latest entry "Chop Chop!" and thought it deserved an entire entry of its own:

Is there evidence that this public display serves as a deterrent to capital crimes? Or is this just a time honored tradition?

I would like to answer this question with neither....but, one must remember, I am not an expert. However, when questioning the workings of the state of Saudi Arabia one must never forget that the Saudi Arabian state is guided 100% by Islam. That means, every decision, policy, and act of state has its footing in the Qur'an. This is different than what we are used to in the west. Although the countries in the west are Christian cultures, government runs based on the representative will of the people whether or not they adhere to any given faith. Here, it is not the will of the people that is formost, rather it is the word of God (Allah) and his prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). This applies to EVERYTHING. It is difficult to describe but say one is a grade schooler learning math in KSA. The justification for teaching math to grade schoolers must lie in the Qur'an or else math is not taught to grade schoolers. King Abdullah isn't His Majesty King Abdullah, he is King Abdullah Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques. The two holy mosques being those in Medina, KSA and Mecca, KSA.

So the question really is, Does the Qur'an support public display of capital punishment?
(Here I had to do a little research)

Two verses out of the Qur'an seem to support this:

"...If anyone kills a person - unless it be for murder or for spreading mischief in the land - it would be as if he killed all people. And if anyone saves a life, it would be as if he saved the life of all people" (Qur'an 5:32).

"...Take not life, which God has made sacred, except by way of justice and law. Thus does He command you, so that you may learn wisdom" (Qur'an 6:151).

It seems to me (not being a theologist) that the first verse seems to speak to the average everyday person or citizen: Do not murder and do not spread mischief in the land, however, there may be some exceptions to murder if the murder was of a person who has murdered or spread mischief in the land. And the second verse to the state: You may take a life through justice and law. So, it seems to me that the Qur'anic law do not murder or spread mischief in the land is punishable by the Qur'anic justice: your life may be taken from you.

It doesn't say that the life must be taken, but it is clear that should the authorities choose to take the life, it is OK as far as Islam is concerned. This may be where "blood money" comes in. If the wronged party agrees, an offender can pay blood money and be spared capital punishment or other harsh sentence. That is, in order to get out of a physical sentence one can pay a fine instead. It seems as though the amount is set by the wronged party, although, I don't know.

As in the US, these harsh punishments are unfairly enacted overwhelmingly on the poor and non-Saudis.

Two articles you may be interestd in:

Saudi State is Based on Islam

http://arabnews.com/saudiarabia/article335132.ece

Death Row Maid Seeks King's Intervention to Save Her

http://arabnews.com/saudiarabia/article332172.ece

Chop Chop!

Today I hopped into a car and ventured to the other end of town where Deira Souk is located. I thought I would wander around and look for some traditional Saudi items. This is not an easy task in Saudi Arabia as everything is imported. Although, there are some traditional pieces of hand carved furniture, swords, and jewelry that one can find. I was hoping to find some sort of stool that would be something we could eventually bring home with us.

Pulling up to the Souk we passed what is affectionately known as "chop chop square". This is the place where public executions are regularly held and is adjacent to Deira. At some point in history, these executions were only held on Fridays but now they can be held on any given day of the week. Similar punishments, like the severing of a hand are, from what I understand, no longer held at chop chop square but instead are carried out on premises where the original crime took place. So, as an average everyday person, running errands, one runs the risk of bearing witness to such public punishments.

We passed just in time to see them washing the blood off the stairs...thank goodness we didn't get there earlier!!

Parenting isn't for Sissies!

Sending our children to nursery school has been an... interesting experience. Our daughter screamed and cried when being dropped off at nursery school right up until her little brother started demanding more and more attention at home. She was almost 5 then. Daily screaming and crying right up until almost 5 years old. Now, those of you who know me, know that I'm a sap and can cry while watching a car commercial so while trying to keep calm on the outside watching my little angel cry on a daily basis because she did not want me to leave her was no easy task.

I always assumed it was because she was adopted. Now, I don't usually think about the fact that our daughter is adopted. It rarely crosses my mind. But, sometimes I am forced to wonder if certain behaviors or reactions are directly related to that day that we ripped her away from the only life she knew, took everything away from her, and tried to substitute it with our love. Today, I do not believe that the day she was abandoned was the greatest trauma in her life. The most traumatic event in her life was the day she was adopted. As the parent of an adopted child and a non-adopted child I have had the luxury of being able to compare the experiences on occasion (to those of you out there that told us we could not love an adopted child as much as we would love "our own"--you could not be more wrong! HA!). I have always thought that when leaving her at nursery school she was experiencing some sort of separation anxiety or something.

Fast forward to our son. Almost two years old. He is the only child in his nursery school class that screams when being dropped off. The other kids walk in as if they own the place. He screams bloody murder and the tears...OH MY GOODNESS the tears! It had nothing to do with being adopted...it is us.

It is at these times that I realize I just don't have the backbone it takes to be a parent...Parenting isn't for sissies and I am the biggest sissy of them all! I guess my kids know it and are using it against me :-)

The Real Housewives of Riyadh, KSA

So I'm flipping channels the other evening and land momentarily on The Real Housewives of New York. I don't know why I stopped, there was something about the way the women looked, and sounded...a little hardened or something, but maybe that's the accent. Do New Yorkers sound more hardened than others?

Anyway I came in as LuAnn de Lesseps was explaining to Bethenny Frankel (yes I had to look it up) in the back of a car driving through Manhattan how Bethenny should never introduce LuAnn to a driver as LuAnn but as Mrs. de Lesseps. It was a little bit of a lesson on manners that LuAnn was giving Bethenny..the whole time Bethenny looking and sounding as if she could not believe her ears and LuAnn looking and sounding as if she could not believe that Bethenny didn't understand the finer points of entitlement. It was clear that LuAnn thought herself better than others while Bethenny just didn't get it.

Sometimes in KSA I feel like a Bethenny in a sea of LuAnns. LuAnns talk about "these people" where I only see "people"

"These people don't understand...."

"These people don't know..."

"These people can't..."

"These people won't..."

LuAnns treat the drivers, gardeners, maids, etc as if they are invisible, instead of saying:

"Hello"

"How are you today"

"What is your name?"

"Where are you from?"

"Thank you"

"Have a nice day"

LuAnns make snide comments about others under their breath instead of giving others the benefit of the doubt.

I'm hoping to find more Bethenneys soon.

Questions, questions and, more... you guessed it...

I know, it has been several months since I've posted anything. I think quite often that I should post something...you know, something happens and I think, I should write this on my blog. But, then, by the time I get home, feed the kids, say hi to the husband, get the kids in bed, I'm lucky if my eyes are still open. I even thought a few times...OK Friday, Friday is my blogging day. But, many Fridays have come and gone since thinking that. Now, through reading other peoples' blogs, I have been inspired and luckily I have about a billion "drafts" already started that just need whipping into shape. Ok, maybe not a billion but more than one :-)

Today I'm going to answer some questions...questions I have received from people out there like:

1. As a woman in Saudi, can you work? Shouldn't you just take care of the kids and eat dates?

I'm not sure if the question applied to me specifically or to women in Saudi in general. But, the short answer is yes, women can work in Saudi. (There is of course a much complicated answer but, I'm not sure if I am qualified to give it...without getting it wrong.) I have seen women working at schools, hospitals, airports, and salons. Selling mobile phones and working in gift shops I have met women that run their own businesses. I know foreign women here on work visas. Women are working as maids and nannies. But there is a category of women...those like me who are here because their husbands have work visas who are not supposed to work. Many do however...illegally. The risk is that businesses may be (and are) "raided" by the Department of Labor looking for women working illegally.

I'm not sure that women take care of kids here, that seems to be left mostly to the nannies. A woman's job seems to be to shop and socialize with her girlfriends if not working.

Dates? I've never really cared for them, but a cup of real Arabian coffee (its green by the way) together with a date is a nice treat!

2. Have you bought a camel? Do they have camels there or are they dromedars?

No. We don't have a camel. And, one thing I have learned since being here is that this question between camel or dromedar is really important to some. Well, dromedars, as I understand itare camels. So, if you have a dromedar you also have a camel. It's like asking do you have a mellon or a cantaloupe. That said, I've only seen one-humped camels.

3. Have you come across any fun traditions that you think you'll bring back with you? Do you celebrate Ramadan?

No, not that I can think of...and well, I wouldn't say that we celebrate Ramadan but in a way we are forced to observe Ramandan. During Ramadan it is forbidden for example to eat, drink, smoke, spit, etc during daylight hours. In order to follow this Islamic law, most everything is closed during daylight hours, everybody sleeps during daylight hours, and then in the late afternoon early evening everything opens. It is as if day and night change positions...for everybody in KSA. This year we'll be celebrating Ramadan by leaving KSA.

4. Is your post office like those here in the U.S.?

I have yet to understand how (if) the postal service works. In general, it cant be trusted.

5. How big is the compound? Since your home is new, what is the make up of the homes there? Some older or in a different section of the compound? Are you able to take outdoor pictures of the compound, or of your home?

Our compound is about 400 homes. The compound was built about 15 years ago. We can take pictures while on the compound.

6. Is there a Starbucks in your compound?

No, but just about everywhere else!

Goodnight!