After 10 months in Riyadh, it may be time for me to toughen up and get wise....
Part of me doesn't even want to write this because I am feeling a little bit like an idiot but at the same time, if I am going to have a blog about living in Saudi Arabia, I better be willing to share what it is like (for me at least) to live in Saudi Arabia...or, what is the point?
Since we've moved here we have used a driver from Pakistan. He has been really good to the kids and really helpful. I have trusted him and been thankful for his help....especially in the beginning when everything felt so foreign. Anyway, up until about March he was even driving our daughter to school and picking her up. So he has gotten to know the kids really well, and they are always happy to see him.
Then, my husband's employer said that they would provide transportation for our kids to and from school. There is a policy at his work that no children of the employees should be riding on school buses and the car they are riding in should of a certain size...think Suburban. This is for "security reasons". So, in comes a new/additional driver, a Saudi. He too is nice, the kids like him and he speaks well of my husband and family. Seems to be friendly to everybody and never says a bad word about others. That is usually my bottom line judge of character. If a person can get through a conversation without complaining about others then I believe them to be pretty decent...and believe me, it isn't many that can do it, people love to complain about others. Both of the drivers are the type of people that seem to be kind at heart. In a place where racism and classism run rampant, they give everybody a smile and a wave and the Saudi driver doesn't get shaken up when he is being bullied for being an Arab. It happens. The foreigners here (Fillapino, Pakastani, Indian, Bangladeshi, etc, etc) rip on the Saudis and give them such a hard time...it is interesting.
It is somewhat of an important point to me. Because I am a woman I use a driver whenever I go somewhere. The compound also offers drivers so sometimes I use these drivers and I have in the months that I have been here probably met 10+ drivers and they are not all helpful, they are not all nice to the kids, and they are not all warm, friendly or outgoing. I feel lucky when I meet a driver that is these things because at the end of the day, I am spending quite a bit of time with them.
Now, two weeks ago I called our Pakastani driver. I wanted to go shopping with a girl friend of mine and wanted him to drive us for the morning. He didn't answer. It was somebody else, and as you may imagine, there is a language barrier. What I got out of the conversation was that he was in the hospital and (I think) having some sort of surgery.
Two days ago he called, yes he had been in the hospital, something with his stomach. Even with this driver that I have spent a lot of time with the language barrier is present but I do get out of it that he is going home to Kashmir in approx 2 days and the future is uncertain for him. I invite him to stop by when he has a minute so we can say goodbye.
Now when my husband leaves I usually know that I have our Pakastani driver (aka MAN) to rely on if we should need anything. But, when my husband left for this trip to Europe, I didn't know what was happening with the driver other than he was in the hospital. So, I asked the new company driver if he didn't know somebody that could drive for us. At that, he said that he would do it. He was already taking the kids to school and he explained that he got off of work at 3:00 in the afternoon which meant that we are his last pick-up of the day. He comes here at 1:30 everyday and takes me to pick up my daughter from school. So he could theoretically pick up our car and leave the company car on the days when I have to run errands. He and my husband talk about it and it is decided. He'll drive for me this week while my husband is gone in the afternoons if I need it. It also gives me somebody to call in case of an emergency that can drive and that knows Arabic and Riyadh. I immediately feel better about my husband leaving us for a week.
Now, when the company driver arrives in the big company Suburban I hop in the back in my abaya and sit with the kids. But when he arrives in our little (well, compared to a Suburban) Four Runner (or whatever it is) I sit in the front. The two car seats take up about all of the width of the car. I could get between the two, but it is quite cramped and I have to crawl over a car seat to get into the middle. In the car, our daughter picks the music and it is usually something pretty up beat and by the time we get home we are all singing and laughing and usually car dancing. The driver is even joining in, teasing our daughter because he doesn't know any of the words to our western music but is adding in his own to the tune trying to get her to laugh. Innocent good fun.
Today when we pulled up after school, our Pakistani driver was waiting out in front of the house. I was so happy to see him that I got out of the car, went up to him and, now I didn't kiss him on the check but I did put my cheek close to his cheek (no, no touching) and gave a little smack with the lips...on both sides (you know, how the french great each other. It is very common here that people greet one another in that manner). I didn't even think about what I was doing. I was greeting a "friend" in my eyes. I failed to consider that this "friend" is our driver and does not come from the compound world but comes from the off-compound world. We come from two different classes, two different worlds and maybe above all, I am a woman and he is a man. But, these things I didn't think about, I only thought that here is a person that has been in our lives for almost a year on almost a daily basis, that has taken care of our family to a certain extent, that is ill and looks it and I was happy to see him.
I introduced the two men and our daughter ran around trying to find a picture she had drawn for our "old" driver. Then we said good-bye to our "new" driver and sat down on the front porch. I asked our guest if he wanted to come in but he said no. He never does.
Then he looks at me, solemnly, and says,
"Madam, he is Arab, you must be careful, never trust anybody"
I am thinking it is personal. That old Pakastani driver does not think we should trust new Arab driver. But, as the conversation unfolds I realize that I have committed several infractions (these weren't specifically pointed out to me, but in the course of the conversation, I come to realize...remember where I am):
1. Sitting in the front seat with an Arab man
2. Singing, laughing and smiling while sitting in the front seat with an Arab man
3. Greeting a man in a manner that could be perceived as non-virtuous (ie: wicked, sinful, bad, vile, etc., etc.)
4. Inviting a man inside my home
"Madam, you're husband isn't home is he?" our old driver asks in a rhetorical manner. He didn't want me to answer, he knew, he wanted me to understand.
And then my head starts spinning a little. It may not necessarily be the Arab driver, personally, that the Pakastani driver is concerned about (although I do get the hint that just because he is Arab he should not be trusted), it is the environment. The (other Arab) men that guard the compound(s) and see me coming and going with an Arab man for example could very well call the authorities and "report" what they think they may have witnessed...nothing in my eyes, but a lot in theirs. I also get the feeling that the same rules do not apply to everybody here. When it comes to virtue, the Arabs may be holding themselves to a higher standard and while it may be perfectly alright for an American woman to for example sit in the front seat with a Pakastani driver it may not be OK to sit in the front seat with an Arab driver.
For the first time (apart from those first few outings) I start to feel a little unsafe. Who can I call?
Friend #1, American married to an Arab:
"You are kind of in a tough spot."
"Better to remove the car seats and put one of the kid on your lap and sit in the back seat."
"Don't worry, I have committed almost every infraction imaginable, live and learn"
Friend #2, American married to a Moroccan:
"You know, I wouldn't worry. If you were Arab or Lebanese or middle eastern, yes but, you are an American, they understand that we just don't get it"
Friend #3 Norwegian married to a Norwegian
"You know, I had a conversation with my driver (not Arab) a long time ago about living in Saudi Arabia and he said that 10 years ago a woman would not have been able to sit in the front seat but that today that isn't the case."
"You probably should consider the fact that jealousy could be involved. Your old driver has a sense of responsibility for you and your family and now he is leaving and you are moving on to a new driver"
Friend #4 Canadian married to a Lebanese
"Since I have been living in the middle east I have changed so much. I never offer my hand to a man unless he extends his hand first, I never make eye contact...even on the compound."
Needless to say that the next day I sat in the back seat. I tried my best not to sing along to the music or make too much eye contact with our driver and I certainly didn't car dance.....
