Parenting isn't for Sissies!

Sending our children to nursery school has been an... interesting experience. Our daughter screamed and cried when being dropped off at nursery school right up until her little brother started demanding more and more attention at home. She was almost 5 then. Daily screaming and crying right up until almost 5 years old. Now, those of you who know me, know that I'm a sap and can cry while watching a car commercial so while trying to keep calm on the outside watching my little angel cry on a daily basis because she did not want me to leave her was no easy task.

I always assumed it was because she was adopted. Now, I don't usually think about the fact that our daughter is adopted. It rarely crosses my mind. But, sometimes I am forced to wonder if certain behaviors or reactions are directly related to that day that we ripped her away from the only life she knew, took everything away from her, and tried to substitute it with our love. Today, I do not believe that the day she was abandoned was the greatest trauma in her life. The most traumatic event in her life was the day she was adopted. As the parent of an adopted child and a non-adopted child I have had the luxury of being able to compare the experiences on occasion (to those of you out there that told us we could not love an adopted child as much as we would love "our own"--you could not be more wrong! HA!). I have always thought that when leaving her at nursery school she was experiencing some sort of separation anxiety or something.

Fast forward to our son. Almost two years old. He is the only child in his nursery school class that screams when being dropped off. The other kids walk in as if they own the place. He screams bloody murder and the tears...OH MY GOODNESS the tears! It had nothing to do with being adopted...it is us.

It is at these times that I realize I just don't have the backbone it takes to be a parent...Parenting isn't for sissies and I am the biggest sissy of them all! I guess my kids know it and are using it against me :-)

The Real Housewives of Riyadh, KSA

So I'm flipping channels the other evening and land momentarily on The Real Housewives of New York. I don't know why I stopped, there was something about the way the women looked, and sounded...a little hardened or something, but maybe that's the accent. Do New Yorkers sound more hardened than others?

Anyway I came in as LuAnn de Lesseps was explaining to Bethenny Frankel (yes I had to look it up) in the back of a car driving through Manhattan how Bethenny should never introduce LuAnn to a driver as LuAnn but as Mrs. de Lesseps. It was a little bit of a lesson on manners that LuAnn was giving Bethenny..the whole time Bethenny looking and sounding as if she could not believe her ears and LuAnn looking and sounding as if she could not believe that Bethenny didn't understand the finer points of entitlement. It was clear that LuAnn thought herself better than others while Bethenny just didn't get it.

Sometimes in KSA I feel like a Bethenny in a sea of LuAnns. LuAnns talk about "these people" where I only see "people"

"These people don't understand...."

"These people don't know..."

"These people can't..."

"These people won't..."

LuAnns treat the drivers, gardeners, maids, etc as if they are invisible, instead of saying:

"Hello"

"How are you today"

"What is your name?"

"Where are you from?"

"Thank you"

"Have a nice day"

LuAnns make snide comments about others under their breath instead of giving others the benefit of the doubt.

I'm hoping to find more Bethenneys soon.

Questions, questions and, more... you guessed it...

I know, it has been several months since I've posted anything. I think quite often that I should post something...you know, something happens and I think, I should write this on my blog. But, then, by the time I get home, feed the kids, say hi to the husband, get the kids in bed, I'm lucky if my eyes are still open. I even thought a few times...OK Friday, Friday is my blogging day. But, many Fridays have come and gone since thinking that. Now, through reading other peoples' blogs, I have been inspired and luckily I have about a billion "drafts" already started that just need whipping into shape. Ok, maybe not a billion but more than one :-)

Today I'm going to answer some questions...questions I have received from people out there like:

1. As a woman in Saudi, can you work? Shouldn't you just take care of the kids and eat dates?

I'm not sure if the question applied to me specifically or to women in Saudi in general. But, the short answer is yes, women can work in Saudi. (There is of course a much complicated answer but, I'm not sure if I am qualified to give it...without getting it wrong.) I have seen women working at schools, hospitals, airports, and salons. Selling mobile phones and working in gift shops I have met women that run their own businesses. I know foreign women here on work visas. Women are working as maids and nannies. But there is a category of women...those like me who are here because their husbands have work visas who are not supposed to work. Many do however...illegally. The risk is that businesses may be (and are) "raided" by the Department of Labor looking for women working illegally.

I'm not sure that women take care of kids here, that seems to be left mostly to the nannies. A woman's job seems to be to shop and socialize with her girlfriends if not working.

Dates? I've never really cared for them, but a cup of real Arabian coffee (its green by the way) together with a date is a nice treat!

2. Have you bought a camel? Do they have camels there or are they dromedars?

No. We don't have a camel. And, one thing I have learned since being here is that this question between camel or dromedar is really important to some. Well, dromedars, as I understand itare camels. So, if you have a dromedar you also have a camel. It's like asking do you have a mellon or a cantaloupe. That said, I've only seen one-humped camels.

3. Have you come across any fun traditions that you think you'll bring back with you? Do you celebrate Ramadan?

No, not that I can think of...and well, I wouldn't say that we celebrate Ramadan but in a way we are forced to observe Ramandan. During Ramadan it is forbidden for example to eat, drink, smoke, spit, etc during daylight hours. In order to follow this Islamic law, most everything is closed during daylight hours, everybody sleeps during daylight hours, and then in the late afternoon early evening everything opens. It is as if day and night change positions...for everybody in KSA. This year we'll be celebrating Ramadan by leaving KSA.

4. Is your post office like those here in the U.S.?

I have yet to understand how (if) the postal service works. In general, it cant be trusted.

5. How big is the compound? Since your home is new, what is the make up of the homes there? Some older or in a different section of the compound? Are you able to take outdoor pictures of the compound, or of your home?

Our compound is about 400 homes. The compound was built about 15 years ago. We can take pictures while on the compound.

6. Is there a Starbucks in your compound?

No, but just about everywhere else!

Goodnight!

Season's Greetings

So, I've been on the lookout for Christmas decorations. Saudi Arabia is an Islamic country which means no Christmas celebrated here. And, although it is ok to practice a religion other than Islam in your own home, it is a no no to sell Christmas decorations or otherwise promote a faith other than Islam publicly or in a group. And for those of you thinking well, celebrating Christmas is just what we do, whether or not you're religious...right. Here there is no such thing. Everybody has a religion whether they know it or not, whether they practice it or not, or whether they believe or not.

We are going to be here in Riyadh for Christmas. At first, I thought that during our quick trip home to Sweden in December we could celebrate Christmas and be done with it. But after more thought, I realized that we live here and we will be here. Why not make an attempt to make it Christmas-y?

I had heard that the careful shopper, during November, can find Christmas decorations. This is apparently because nobody is looking for the selling of Christmas decorations until December. So, during November, Christmas decorations can be purchased and then, come December 1, everything is pulled from the shelves. I have not found this to be the case..in my wanderings during November, I have not come across any Christmas decorations ... well, almost.

I had it all figured out. I would smuggle a Christmas tree in to Saudi Arabia on my next trip abroad. (***and now, as I am sitting here writing this, I am thinking, humm, how much of this can I actually write in an open blog????***) I'll leave it at that, I had a plan. Had discussed the plan, and was prepared to set the plan in action when I found myself at...a place. At this place I saw...a person. And, the person was carrying A CHRISTMAS TREE (of the fake variety). I stopped this person and asked,

"Where did you get that tree?!"

A quick trip to...another place and I found myself talking to...another

person :-) (Ohhh, it all seems so secretive and sneaky!!)

"Do you have Christmas trees?" I asked.

"Yes. What you want? One meter? Two meters? Three meters? What you want? I have. I can deliver it to you"

"Uh, I don't know, how tall are you?"

After a little sign language we settled on a size. "Yes, yes, I have" I was told.

"You give me your phone number and I will call"

The next day I get a phone call.

"Yes, madam, I am here, with your tree."

"Uh, you're here? I don't have any money to pay you"

"Its ok. I have tree. You call me when you want to pay"

Sometimes this country makes me smile...in a good way. I have a tree and I get to pay for it when I feel like it.

So, I have a Christmas tree....Looks like I'll be teaching the kids how to string popcorn this year!

Any other ideas?????

Keeping Up Appearances

Ok, Ok, I'm sorry!! Life here in KSA is being impacted by much more than just the ways of KSA. My husband has a job that is keeping him at work until all hours, so that he can come home and work at the dining table and when he isn't doing that he is traveling....so everything is falling on me and that doesn't leave much time to blog. It also means that I am very distracted. When I see something or am involved in something (like being pulled over by the police a few nights ago) that I think may be "blog worthy" the gazillion and one other things that happen between the event and the computer swiftly remove all thoughts of blogging. But, I am doing my best, keep on me and eventually I'll post something!

I may have mentioned once or twice :-) that five times a day in Saudi Arabia there is prayer. At this time, everything closes...restaurants, shops, etc so that the population can go to prayer. Here there is a mosque on almost every corner as, from what I understand, it is the goal to have a mosque within walking distance of every citizen. During prayer, everything closes for between 20 and 45 minutes. So, the smart errand runner gets to where ever they are going at least 5 minutes before prayer so that when the doors close, and the lights turn off, one is inside doing their business instead of locked outside waiting for the doors to open. Need to go to the grocery store? Why not time it so that you can be locked inside in the piece and quiet, gather the items you need and find yourself at the front of the line at the check out counter when the store reopens. Want some Chinese food? Get to the restaurant in plenty of time to look at the menu and order and then eat during prayer time when you'd be sitting inside anyway. Today as we were sitting eating our lunch and the call to prayer started, and the restaurant lights dimmed I was thinking about how it really is an exercise in keeping up appearances. Not everybody runs to prayer five times a day. Where ever you are, you see people waiting...waiting....waiting...for prayer time to end. Yet, if the doors are locked and the lights are dimmed it appears from the outside that nothing is going on on the inside.

On the other hand, maybe the point isn't to keep up appearances. Maybe the powers that be understand that in Saudi Arabia about 1/5 of the population is foreign workers who may or may not be muslim. Maybe the fact that people are allowed to continue their business despite it being prayer time is an extended courtesy. A sign that there is an understanding that not everybody in this land, a muslim land, is muslim. To this I can only say: Thank you! Thank-you for letting me finish my lunch! Thank you for letting me finish my grocery shopping! Thank you for not making me suffer for not sharing your religious views.

A Day in the Life

Today I ventured out again. Really, it isn't so often that I get out of the compound. With the prayer times and such I find that mostly I am at home or traveling between compounds. In general, if I need to do anything, I try to get it done between 9:00 and 11:30. Everything closes at 12:00 until 16:00. And now, the Dhuar prayer (1st prayer after sunrise) is so early, 11:39 that really all errands must be completed by 11:30. My hairdresser, however, does not close for prayer! So, today I got a haircut.

My driver picked me up at 9:30 and off we went. When we left the compound there were about 20 cars out front. Police and military. You always know when something is up here because the compounds are immediately surrounded by police and military. Although I get a lot of information from various places...the embassy, my husbands security office at work, the womanly rumor mill of the compound...I usually ask my driver what is happening. He usually seems to have an answer for me. Once he told me that two terrorists had crossed the boarder into Saudi. This was right after a security warning was sent from the embassy and a friend suggested I stay close to the compound and not run any errands for awhile. This time it was an iquama crack-down. Apparently on the Saudi national day, the King pardoned all individuals here illegally and gave them until March to leave the country without reprimand. In conjunction with this, there are road blocks all over Riyadh with police checking iquamas. The westerners aren't bothered, they only look at the middle and east asians and africans.

We continued toward the salon and as we neared my driver pointed out a building that was a prison. A prison? Yes, a prison for people who have received sentence of 6 months or less. At this I said, "Really? What type of offence would get a sentence of 6 months or less?" My driver answered, "Drugs for instance" Drugs!!! I thought it was sward to the back of the neck for a drug offense. No he said, only if you traffic drugs from outside and bring them in to Saudi. If you are in the country selling drugs or taking drugs it is another matter. Interesting.

I have actually heard that among the teenagers here drugs are a big problem. Here in the compound there are several people workings at schools and they talk a lot about drugs being a problem. But also in the compound apparently it is a problem. I wasn't expecting this.

At the salon I took off my abaya and placed it in my bag. The salon is really a women's center and has shopping, cafe, spa, gym, nursery. So, no abaya needed. Most of the women I know choose to get their haircut on compound. All of the big compounds have a beauty salon. But, I think it is fun to go off compound. Here I get to see middle eastern women and listen to the chatter. It is really a fun outing I think. I could see that I wasn't going to make it back in time to get the little one from nursery so I called our maid and asked her to pick him up and feed him. (Maybe this maid thing isn't such a bad idea after all). After getting my haircut I decided to get my eyebrows shaped a little. I have to admit, I was a little bit nervous. I had never done this before in Riyadh and I am not the best person for handling pain. I was shown into a little room and asked to lay down on what looked like a massage table. The woman took out a long piece of thread, held it at one end in her mouth, did some kind of twisting and pulling and voilá nicely shaped eyebrows. And it was painless!!

The blow came when she asked me if I wanted her to do my upper lip!! What!! Do I have hair there??? (Of course I have a little peach fuzz but hey, doesn't everybody?? Not enough that anybody would notice??? Or, have I been running around my entire life with people thinking, you know, she really should do something about that hairy upper lip!! LOL!) And then when I was paying: Ok, you had a cut, color, eyebrows, and MUSTACHE.

Saudi Gazette's Tips on Being a Successful Husband

Saudi Gazette Friday, Oct 8, 2010

10 tips on how to be a successful husband:

1. Dress up for your wife, look clean and smell good

When was the last time we men went shopping for designer pyjamas? Just like the husband wants his wife to look nice for him, she also wants her husband to dress up for her too. Remember that Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) would always start with Miswak when returning home and always loved the sweetest smells.

2. Use the cutest names for your wife.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) had nicknames for his wives, ones that they loved. Call your wife by the most beloved names to her, and avoid using names that hurt their feelings.

3. Don't treat her like a fly.

We never think about a fly in our daily lives until it 'bugs' us. Similarly, a wife will do well all day --which brings no attention from the husband--until she does something to 'bug' him. Don't treat her like this. Recognize all the good that she does and focus on that.

4. If you see wrong on the part of your wife, try being silent and do not comment!

This is one of the ways the Prophet (peace be upon him) used when he would see something inappropriate from his wives (may Allah be pleased with them). It's a technique that few Muslim men have mastered.

5. Smile at your wife whenever you see her and embrace her often.

Smiling is charity and your wife is not exempt from the Muslim Ummah. Imagine life with her constantly seeing you smiling. Remember also those Ahadith when the Prophet (peace be upon him) would kiss his wife before leaving for Salah, even if he was fasting.

6. Thank her for all that she does for you.

Then thank her again! Take for example a dinner at your house. She makes the food, cleans the home, and a dozen other tasks to prepare. And sometimes the only acknowledgement she receives is that there needed to be more salt in the soup. Don't let that be: thank her!

7. Ask her to write down the last 10 things you did for her that made her happy.

Then go and do them again. It may be hard to recognize what gives your wife pleasure. You don't have to play a guessing game, ask her and work on repeating those times in your life.

8. Don't belittle her desires.

Comfort her. Sometimes the men may look down upon the requests of their wives. The Prophet (peace be upon him) set the example for us in an incident when Safiyyah (may Allah be pleased with her) was crying because, as she said, he had put her on a slow camel. He wiped her tears, comforted her, and brought her the camel.

9. Be humorous and play games with your wife.

Look at how the Prophet (peace be upon him) would race with his wife Ayesha (may Allah be pleased with her) in the desert. When was the last time we did something like that?

10. Be the best

Always remember the words of Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him): "The best of you are those who treat their families the best. And I am the best amongst you to my family." Try to be the best.