A Day in the Life

Today I ventured out again. Really, it isn't so often that I get out of the compound. With the prayer times and such I find that mostly I am at home or traveling between compounds. In general, if I need to do anything, I try to get it done between 9:00 and 11:30. Everything closes at 12:00 until 16:00. And now, the Dhuar prayer (1st prayer after sunrise) is so early, 11:39 that really all errands must be completed by 11:30. My hairdresser, however, does not close for prayer! So, today I got a haircut.

My driver picked me up at 9:30 and off we went. When we left the compound there were about 20 cars out front. Police and military. You always know when something is up here because the compounds are immediately surrounded by police and military. Although I get a lot of information from various places...the embassy, my husbands security office at work, the womanly rumor mill of the compound...I usually ask my driver what is happening. He usually seems to have an answer for me. Once he told me that two terrorists had crossed the boarder into Saudi. This was right after a security warning was sent from the embassy and a friend suggested I stay close to the compound and not run any errands for awhile. This time it was an iquama crack-down. Apparently on the Saudi national day, the King pardoned all individuals here illegally and gave them until March to leave the country without reprimand. In conjunction with this, there are road blocks all over Riyadh with police checking iquamas. The westerners aren't bothered, they only look at the middle and east asians and africans.

We continued toward the salon and as we neared my driver pointed out a building that was a prison. A prison? Yes, a prison for people who have received sentence of 6 months or less. At this I said, "Really? What type of offence would get a sentence of 6 months or less?" My driver answered, "Drugs for instance" Drugs!!! I thought it was sward to the back of the neck for a drug offense. No he said, only if you traffic drugs from outside and bring them in to Saudi. If you are in the country selling drugs or taking drugs it is another matter. Interesting.

I have actually heard that among the teenagers here drugs are a big problem. Here in the compound there are several people workings at schools and they talk a lot about drugs being a problem. But also in the compound apparently it is a problem. I wasn't expecting this.

At the salon I took off my abaya and placed it in my bag. The salon is really a women's center and has shopping, cafe, spa, gym, nursery. So, no abaya needed. Most of the women I know choose to get their haircut on compound. All of the big compounds have a beauty salon. But, I think it is fun to go off compound. Here I get to see middle eastern women and listen to the chatter. It is really a fun outing I think. I could see that I wasn't going to make it back in time to get the little one from nursery so I called our maid and asked her to pick him up and feed him. (Maybe this maid thing isn't such a bad idea after all). After getting my haircut I decided to get my eyebrows shaped a little. I have to admit, I was a little bit nervous. I had never done this before in Riyadh and I am not the best person for handling pain. I was shown into a little room and asked to lay down on what looked like a massage table. The woman took out a long piece of thread, held it at one end in her mouth, did some kind of twisting and pulling and voilá nicely shaped eyebrows. And it was painless!!

The blow came when she asked me if I wanted her to do my upper lip!! What!! Do I have hair there??? (Of course I have a little peach fuzz but hey, doesn't everybody?? Not enough that anybody would notice??? Or, have I been running around my entire life with people thinking, you know, she really should do something about that hairy upper lip!! LOL!) And then when I was paying: Ok, you had a cut, color, eyebrows, and MUSTACHE.

Saudi Gazette's Tips on Being a Successful Husband

Saudi Gazette Friday, Oct 8, 2010

10 tips on how to be a successful husband:

1. Dress up for your wife, look clean and smell good

When was the last time we men went shopping for designer pyjamas? Just like the husband wants his wife to look nice for him, she also wants her husband to dress up for her too. Remember that Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) would always start with Miswak when returning home and always loved the sweetest smells.

2. Use the cutest names for your wife.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) had nicknames for his wives, ones that they loved. Call your wife by the most beloved names to her, and avoid using names that hurt their feelings.

3. Don't treat her like a fly.

We never think about a fly in our daily lives until it 'bugs' us. Similarly, a wife will do well all day --which brings no attention from the husband--until she does something to 'bug' him. Don't treat her like this. Recognize all the good that she does and focus on that.

4. If you see wrong on the part of your wife, try being silent and do not comment!

This is one of the ways the Prophet (peace be upon him) used when he would see something inappropriate from his wives (may Allah be pleased with them). It's a technique that few Muslim men have mastered.

5. Smile at your wife whenever you see her and embrace her often.

Smiling is charity and your wife is not exempt from the Muslim Ummah. Imagine life with her constantly seeing you smiling. Remember also those Ahadith when the Prophet (peace be upon him) would kiss his wife before leaving for Salah, even if he was fasting.

6. Thank her for all that she does for you.

Then thank her again! Take for example a dinner at your house. She makes the food, cleans the home, and a dozen other tasks to prepare. And sometimes the only acknowledgement she receives is that there needed to be more salt in the soup. Don't let that be: thank her!

7. Ask her to write down the last 10 things you did for her that made her happy.

Then go and do them again. It may be hard to recognize what gives your wife pleasure. You don't have to play a guessing game, ask her and work on repeating those times in your life.

8. Don't belittle her desires.

Comfort her. Sometimes the men may look down upon the requests of their wives. The Prophet (peace be upon him) set the example for us in an incident when Safiyyah (may Allah be pleased with her) was crying because, as she said, he had put her on a slow camel. He wiped her tears, comforted her, and brought her the camel.

9. Be humorous and play games with your wife.

Look at how the Prophet (peace be upon him) would race with his wife Ayesha (may Allah be pleased with her) in the desert. When was the last time we did something like that?

10. Be the best

Always remember the words of Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him): "The best of you are those who treat their families the best. And I am the best amongst you to my family." Try to be the best.

There are Adventures and then there are Adventures!

I think the adventures that my husband and I are having may not be one in the same. Take today's events for example:

My husband is currently working very close to the Yemenese border. So close that he can see the homes in Yemen and compare them to the homes in Saudi Arabia. He flew out of Riyadh yesterday and will work where he is now working for a few days. This morning, he jumped into a car to start the day. The day started with 6 cars, 2 filled with engineer types and 4 filled with bodyguard types, hitting the road. They then went off road onto unpaved hilly terrain to survey the area. At times (as he relayed the experience to me) he was not sure if the vehicle he was riding in would manage the gradient it was encouraged to travel on. This went on for hours. Finally when they broke for lunch at 4:00pm he sat with a group of local border patrol ("These are simple people" I think were my husband's exact words) around a whole grilled lamb (he assumed) and started pulling the meat from the bones. When the special guests had finished, the lower ranks were allowed to eat the left-overs.

At this I asked, did you take pictures (I must admit, I fantasized a little about National Geographic with this story)?

I hope he is taking a moment to realize what a fantastic experience this really is...I wish I could've been there! Although, I probably would have started crying with the car ride!

Succombing to the Powers That Be

Ok, ok, it may not be the most interesting of topics and by now you may be yawning at the thought of reading yet one more entry about having or not having a driver...but, be forewarned, here I go:

So, today our driver-in-a-pinch showed up on time as scheduled. Picked up myself, my 5 year old and the baby. Drove us to nursery school where I dropped off the baby and then drove us to school to drop of the 5 year old.

On the way he asks me:

"You have no driver? I thought you had a driver?"

"No," I reply "we don't have a driver. We've been thinking about it but don't really know what we want."

"You want driver with accommodation or without?"

"Without"

"You want driver with car or not"

"Without"

"You tell me how much you pay, I'll drive, I have car, I have everything. You tell me how much?"

Now all of a sudden I am intrigued. Part of the reason the driver thing has been difficult for me is that, at the end of the day, it is myself and the kids spending time with the driver. I haven't been so keen on "trying out" driver after driver, getting to know, seeing if the kids like, etc. etc. a person that we will come to rely on. The entire thing makes me well, tired just thinking about it. But, this man we feel as if we know. He has been driving us from time to time over the entire time we have been here. When we were staying at the hotel in the beginning, he drove the kids and I everywhere...so, to me this doesn't sound like a bad idea. To top it off, he wouldn't have to drive our car and our 5 year old LOVES him!

So, what's the problem?

Part of the problem, for me, is simply the thought of having a driver. We already have a live-in maid and now we are considering adding a driver to the list of our household employees.

Over the last couple of weeks I have been talking to people trying to get information on what they have their drivers do, how much people pay, and so on, and so forth. I had one conversation that went a little something like this:

"Do you employ your driver yourself?"

"No, no, my husband's company provides a driver. Once you reach a certain level in the company they just give you one."

At this point I am already disappointed in the conversation and don't want to take it further. I am completely unimpressed. What do I care what your husband does or if a driver is included in his benefit package. Is it now my turn to give a detailed reporting of what my husband does? What is included in his package? Or what I do? It isn't a contest.....or, is it? If it is, it is certainly a contest I do not want to compete in. (But, now as I write this I see that it was I who asked the question. Am I overly sensitive? I do not want to become that person that can only talk about position as if trying to carve out some kind of pecking order. I am a social worker for goodness sake, you know empowering the vulnerable...what am I doing here with a maid and a maybe driver??)

Then, the friend --all the while admiring her newly manicured fingernails--pipes in.

"You'll find that they don't do anything. The drivers, the maids, you really have to stay on them all the time to get them to work."

(No, they don't do anything, they just leave their families to come here to make the minimalist of wages working unbelievable hours to clean up your

c -r -a -p!)

Then, woman no. 1 "Yes, we just seem to go through the maids and drivers. Although our nanny has been with us for years".

To this I can only reply in my kindest of voices, "Well, we aren't looking for a nanny, we can take care of our own children."

I politely thanked them for their time and left. That's it. I decided. There is NO WAY we are getting a driver.

This morning however, when we arrived at the compound which houses our 5 year old's school. I walked up to security and told them that I would like another pass so that driver-in-a-pinch could drive onto the compound. They informed me that they thought the 2 passes that I had (for the compound's drivers that pick up after school) were plenty and probably would not issue a 3rd. So...it is a problem. I need a driver for when hubby can't drop of at school and neither of the drivers from the compound that have a pass can do that. --and, everybody around me probably thinks I am crazy...JUST GET A DRIVER ALREADY!)

Fast forward a week after deciding to definitely NOT have a driver and I believe our driver-in-a-pinch is going to become our personal salaried driver. Oh the torment and relief all at the same time.

Another Week, Another Adventure

We've been contemplating getting a driver. I must admit, I have a difficult time with the idea. Nine times out of ten we really don't need a driver, but there is that one time where I find myself thinking "Why don't we have a driver?!!" Today is one of those days.

The man of the house, had to go out of town for work again. So, as we face the start of a new week I am left wondering how to make things happen without a car. Dad usually takes the 5 year old to school in the mornings. I usually walk the baby to nursery. So, I thought well, I'll just call the compound and arrange a car for the morning to take us all to nursery and then to school. Nope. No can do. No cars available until 8:45.

Ok, no problem, I'll call our "driver in a pinch". No problem..pick-up at 7:50. We'll be a little late for school but, hey, it could happen to anybody. Unfortunately our "driver in a pinch" doesn't have authorization to drive onto the compound where the school is...so I'm going to see if we can't get him a pass also. Problem solved...I hope.

But, what if there were an emergency? Right here, right now? Somebody gets sick or, I don't know. I really don't even want to imagine. I can't go to the neighbor and ask him to take me anywhere. As I am not his wife (or daughter, or sister.....etc), I am not allowed to be in the car with him. So, maybe the 1 time out of 1,000,000,000,000 (I really want to add more zeros here because, well, nobody wants an emergency, right?) makes the full-time driver worth it??

I don't know.

Back to the Desert

We've now been back in Riyadh about a week after returning from vacation in Europe. It takes a little while to get back into the swing of things. I was actually wondering how it would feel to return to Riyadh after over two weeks away but it felt a little like coming home. Lots of unpacking, laundry, getting kids ready for school, going back to work, grocery shopping, you know, the usual.

The time back has reminded me of how friendly the people here are and how much they LOVE children. Just about everybody comments on the kids...it is really fascinating. The Saudis, Indians, Pakistanis, Sri Lankans, Filipinos...all are so incredibly, incredibly, in love with children, I have never experienced a place where person, after person, comments on, touches, asks if they can kiss, or otherwise SEES the kids. On the compound, however, I am a little weary. I am becoming increasingly skeptical about an environment in which children have so much freedom and seem for the most part to be raising themselves.

On our cul-de-sac there are 6 houses. In these 6 houses live at least 11 children. It could be more because I haven't really met two of the families yet. There are at least 4 nannies on our street. In general, the nannies are full-time/live-in nannies which pretty much means they work all day 6 days per week. Multiply all this by 50 and you pretty much have our compound. 300 homes, 550 children 150 nannies---conservatively.

Maybe because of the fact that we are walled in, parents seem to feel that their children are safer here than at home. I hear it quite frequently:

"Oh, it is such a safe place for children"
"We could never allow him/her to do at home what they can do here"
"He/she would never have the level of independence he/she has here"

So, much to my husband's dismay, I have started asking "why?"

It seems as though people believe that compound life in KSA is a safer environment than "home" for two main reasons. First the traffic, the independence of children is hampered by the amount of traffic back home. Second, risk of being "snatched", the independence of children is hampered by the risk of being kidnapped or worse back home.

I am not sure that this is really the case. At certain times of the day there are quite a few HUGE SUVs driving these streets and who is living in the compound but a bunch of random people from other countries? But more than this I am forced to ask myself: Are these the only dangers in the world for children? Is that the only job of a parent--making sure that kids don't get hit by cars or get kidnapped? And, what dangers are here that aren't present back home?

Increasingly, I am beginning to believe that the extent to which nannies are used to take care of children here is a ... danger. In an extreme and apparent class society, the nannies are little more than indentured servants. (And it seems as though many of the westerners here have forgotten where they come from and are perfectly comfortable in exploiting the balance of things.). Their job is not to raise children or help them learn valuable social lessons. Yet, here on compound, children spend the majority of their time with nannies.

I have seen children, pull the hair of, kick, hit and spit on nannies while the nannies laugh. I have seen children throw toys at babies while nannies sit and chat with each other. I have seen nannies ask children to behave while time and again the children don't listen. I have had children come home to us and ask for food when they have not been fed by their nanny. I have seen young children out wandering alone while groups of nannies congregate in the common area, etc, etc, etc

I am left wondering if living here is really much safer for children or if somehow people have been lulled into a false sense of security.

Or, maybe, I'm just too uptight.

Ramadan Kareem

Last night I had a dream. I was sitting in the back of my chauffeur driven car, riding down Göteborgsvägen when I spotted a Starbucks. (In this one sentence, my three worlds of USA, Sweden and KSA have collided) I asked the driver to pull over so I could get a coffee. He stopped and let me out and pulled away as there was no parking. As I walked up to the Starbucks I could tell right away that it was for men only. How could I tell? Well, through the glass windows I could see right away that there were no private seating areas. That is, tables with curtains or partitions around them. I decided to play dumb and walk in anyway.

"Sorry ma'am, this is the men's section"

I looked around, not really knowing what to do with myself (I really wanted a grande two-pump no whip extra hot mocha), and the man behind the counter nodded his head toward....when I looked it was another Starbucks right next door. It was right out the front door, the two cafés were looking at each other. (How did I not see that at the beginning of my dream??) I walked over and it was jam packed with people. I don't remember ordering my coffee...what I do remember was walking out up Göteborgsvägen to a large square where Krokslatt should've been.

Here, there was, what I would call a festival on Thailand. Flags were waiving, people were singing. It was lively and a lot of fun. I however, had to get to school to pick up my daughter so I decided to head back to the car. When I walked passed the woman singing, I heard her say (in Swedish) to her accompaniest "Kom igen, nu, vi kör denna igen". I thought, wow, that woman from Thailand can speak Swedish.

And, then I looked up and wondered, "Where is my car? I hope he didn't leave thinking I didn't need him any more. Where could he have gone??"

And then I woke-up.

Now, normally, I would be wondering "what does it mean" But today I am completely convinced that I know exactly what it means...it was a re-cap of my week.

First, I am drinking a lot of coffee. We purchased a Nespresso machine and it is just way too easy to get a good cup of coffee quickly. And KSA being what it is, we call to order more coffee and they deliver it, same day, to our doorstep...this is true for a lot of things...many restaurants deliver, yes, even McDonalds. There are grocery stores that will come and pick you up at your doorstep and take you to do your shopping and return you at home for free....I wonder if there is home delivery of groceries...I haven't checked into that yet.

Second, I think we have pretty much decided that we need a driver. So, we have been asking everybody that we can think of if they know anybody. I have asked everybody I know that has a driver if their driver has a friend who may need a job, I have asked the drivers that we have used and even drivers that I have seen regularly if they have friends that may be looking for work. No luck. With the decision to hire a driver we have decided not to have a full-time maid any more. That was a little difficult. Telling our maid that she should look for work elsewhere. She is from Sri Lanka and sends all of the money that she earns home so that her children can go to school. She returns home about once a year to see them. It really is a bizarre world that we live in.

Third, I had my first experience with not being able to go into an establishement because I was a woman the other day. We went out to get some take-out and went to a well known for Riyadh Lebenese restaurant. As soon as we pulled up I sensed that I wasn't going to be able to go in. The front of the restaurant was all glass and it was very well lit. I didn't see any booths only a few tables in the center of the establishment. My husband being a man doesn't really have to think about these things. I said to him, maybe you should go in and see if I can come in and if not you can bring a menu out. Sure enough, he came back right away with a menu. So, we sat in the car and looked through the menu, circled the items we wanted, and he went back inside to order. Then he came out and waited with me.

As I was sitting in the car watching all of the men get out of their cars, go in and order, and come out with there little packages of dinner to go, I tried to imagine, how it must be for the typical Arab.

It may seem from afar that women get the short end of the stick in this society but, I wonder if that is really the case in practice. Here, it is families that are the social network. When you go into a shopping mall, people travel in entourages...4, 5, 6 , people-- men, women and children walk together. Or, large groups of women, but, I have yet to see large groups of men doing things together. Even at this restaurant, that was men only, people were coming and picking up loads of food to take back to their, I can only assume... families. There weren't any groups of men just hanging out having a good time.

I also saw men with little girls with them. Daddys and daughters I assume. The little girls were allowed to run around in and out of the restaurant, no problem. I wondered how it must be for these little girls when they no longer get to go with daddy to pick up dinner. Is it a disappointment for these girls or is it a sign of maturity...something that many coming-of-age children long for--acknowledgement from their elders that they are no longer children. I don't know, it would be interesting to ask.

I have a difficult time believing today that this is an awful place for women. At least, I am not sure that it is any more awful for women than it is for men, especially young single men. (For young single men, I believe, although I don't know, that KSA is a rather difficult place to be) Before we came, everybody was suspicious about the treatment of women in this country. But when I walk around I see women holding their heads high, in control, warm, lively, outgoing, stylish, confident.....These attributes just don't seem to be in-line with a group that is oppressed and poorly treated as a whole.

But I have met (western) women here that say that they feel disgust when they see the women walking around in their abayas and hijab. What do they see that I don't? (and now as I write it I am thinking, am I that insensitive???). Of course, I am just brushing society, not in it.

I think the thing that may be most bothersome for me isn't the segregation of the sexes, isn't the abaya, isn't the hijab, isn't the not being able to drive. Getting a taxi here is no different than getting a taxi anyplace else, taking off my abaya when I go in to get my haircut is no different than taking off my coat when I come in from the rain..the segretgation is new, but I rarely notice it. What is most unsettling maybe is that those that would like something different are not able to leave here at will. That as a woman one must be given permission to leave the country. (I think that even Saudi men have to apply to exit but women need their husband or guardian to give them permission to exit). Even myself, a "free" (as free as any of us can be...which, if you have ever tried to move between countries, isn't very and aren't we all captive of our culture? and a laundry list of other things?) western woman needed my husband to apply for my exit visa.

OK where was I? Fourth, yes fourth. Fourth is that it is Ramadan. Which means (for us at least) NOTHING is happening. Everything is closed until 8:00 or 9:00 at night when it opens until 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning...restaurants, shopping, beauty salons, etc, etc, etc. As Muslims do not eat during daylight hours during Ramadan the entire country has changed its rhythm--namely, night is day and day is night. People sleep later, and are up all night. Even our western Muslim expat friends who are here are not used to it. It must be so wonderful for them to have an entire country celebrating with them. We, however, still keep our normal routine. Up at 5am bed at...well, it is so early its embarrassing! Do I want to come in for a haircut sometime between 8:30pm and 3:30am??? I'd be snoring in the chair! So, I don't know, maybe my subconscious was longing for (a) a festival, (b) some excitement or (c) a vacation...which I am getting tomorrow..so problem solved :-)