Reflections on my (short) past

I've noticed that what I have been writing about is mostly what I am experiencing and what I think about what I am experiencing. In some cases, that means that I am speculating...after gaining additional experience or information, my view may change as speculation is nothing more than well, speculation. I also see that some topics are more exciting or interesting to the people reading this blog. There have been a couple entries that people have really responded to with emails or questions. So, with this entry, I thought I would revisit a few of my earlier posts.

First, on the entry dated June 24, 2010, I briefly mentioned family dining in the hotel. Our first morning in Riyadh, when we all went down to breakfast, we were shown to a private section in the restaurant. I speculated that this was because we were a family. However, the kids and I had breakfast in the same restaurant for the 5 days following that initial visit and we were seated in the main dining room. Following those meals, the 4 of us had breakfast on our last days at the hotel together, and again we were seated in the main dining room with everybody else. Those last couple of days we actually thought that it would be nice to be seated in the more private area. So, I guess we weren't seated in the private are because we were a family, or maybe we were seated in the private area because we were a family. For whatever the reason, there wasn't any consistancy to it.

It seems to me that this separation of the sexes is mostly for show. In the malls women and men walk around and shop freely. During the evenings (the malls here are closed from 12.00-16.00 and reopen at 16.00 until sometimes past midnight) security may be monitoring the entrances in order to keep young single men out. In the food court, the walk-up-to-the-counter type restaurants have two lines. One for men and and one for families....but they aren't seperated by anything...maybe a partition.... and often families crowd out the men's line. Then in the eating area there is usually a men's (bachelor) section and a family section.

Some restaurants have curtains that can be drawn over the open side of a booth in order to increase privacy...but using the curtain is by no means manditory. We found ourselves eating lunch at IKEA and pulled the curtain to get away from the hustle and bustle around us and focus as a family on eating (which wasn't so easy considering what we were served!). But we have been to other restaurants where the "privacy" level was already very high--being seated at a high-backed booth for example-- where we haven't used the curtain.

We have been to a little hole in the wall (although this hole in the wall was rather large) Indian restaurant where we were turned away at the main entrance and showed a side door. The room that opened up inside was their family section. In other words, one entrance for men and another entrance for families. I think my husband was more bothered by this than I. What do I care? Who are these men anyway? I came to eat and I really only care about the 3 other people with me. We were served a great meal for pennies and probably could have feed 3 additional people for the amount of food we were served.

Similarly, we have been to restaurants in which men and women are being served and are eating freely in the same dining room. So, at the end of the day, I think it is for show. Or maybe it has to do with when the restaurant opened or who the clientelle are. The society here is becoming more relaxed with their stance on segregation of the sexes. The mutawwa are loosing their power. At certain times I have wondered if where we are seated depends more on who is watching than on any clear cut policy. In the end, I think what may be most important is not where we are seated but that we as a family are treated with kindness and respect. And, we have been. I have not once felt uncomfortable simply because I am a woman in Saudi Arabia.

But what is it about eating which makes it necessary to separate the sexes? The only other time I have encountered a separation was at the hospital. One waiting room for men and another for women. But when you are being helped, it may be either a man or woman taking your information, a man or a woman, examining you so in the end men and women are coming into contact with each other. My guess is that when men and women have time on their hands to chit-chat they are separated...while eating, or while waiting to be helped. But, even in the hospital men were sitting in the women's section and women and men were walking around. So, I must say it seems rather ineffective and relaxed.

Second, on July 6th I posted the entry "Mom's night out". In this entry I mentioned the Mutawwa. I've received quite a few emails asking about the Mutawwa. I don't know what really to say about them. I haven't really had any contact and all I have heard seems a little urban-myth-ish. My understanding of Mutawwa thus far is that they are religious police not THE police. They enforce their view of what is proper behavior according to their interpretation of the Qur'an. They are officially known as the "Committee for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice". According to The Essential Guide to Customs and Culture: Saudi Arabia their roll is almost exclusively limited to the later. Apparently they have almost vanished in certain cities (like Jeddah) but are still alive and well in Riyadh. The stories I have heard are many, but I have yet to meet anybody that has run into them first hand or seen them whipping or shouting at anybody first hand. In general they would be looking for things such as the intermingling of the sexes in public, the amount of skin a woman shows in public, shows of affection in public, and such things. In a shopping mall the other day I saw a man and woman holding hands. I had heard that this was a definate no-no (something the Mutawwa would be all over--in a not so nice kind of way) but they didn't seem to be worried. So, I don't know....will I see mutawwa? Time will tell!

Lastly (and I am sure many of you had some reaction to this even if you weren't one of the people that emailed me) on July 17, I posted an entry about my breaking the law. The infractions were (1) riding in a vehicle with a man other than my mahram (a mahram is a husband, father, brother, or of-age son...in other words, an un-marry-able relative to a woman),

and (2) I wasn't wearing my abaya. After being asked several times about it and also getting some emails of worry and concern I thought, well, maybe I should just check into what could have happened had we been stopped.

I thought, who should I ask? Our maid has lived in Saudi for 3 years but has never set foot off of the compound..so, she was out. I wasn't sure I wanted to go to another expat...their information (I assumed) was probably about as good as mine. So I decided on one of our drivers. A man from Pakastan that has lived in KSA for 25+ years. I told him what had happened and asked specifically

"Is this illegal? What would happen if I were stopped?"

His response was "It isn't illegal what you did. Mutawwa are not police"

He told me that if I would have been walking around central Riyadh with no abaya it would have been a problem because that is where the Mutawwa are but in a car and traveling between compounds, wasn't anything to worry about. It isn't as if the Mutawwa are in cars pulling people over..they are walking around highly-populated areas (shopping malls, etc) looking for infractions. He also didn't seem to be too concerned about me riding with a man other than my mahram.

He asked, "was he western?"

"Yes" I responded.

"Then no problem" he said.

His response both surprised me and made me relax a little. But in the end, I can't help but wonder, is it really no big deal? I still think that it is better to be safe than sorry. A lot of what I think today is that although things may be coming more relaxed, one can still find themselves in the wrong place at the wrong time. Often change happens slowly...I'm going to side on the conservative!

Breaking the Law...x2

We have had the good fortune of being asked quite frequently to do things. It seems as though as soon as people hear that a new family has arrived or see a family they haven't met before the invites start flooding in. Even the maids are bringing cakes and goodies.

Today we were invited to go for a swim at a nearby compound with a couple of other people that had heard we were new to Riyadh and wanted to extend a hello.

At 12.40 the kids and I took a shuttle from our compound to the compound that we were to visit. It was nice because the shuttle goes right to the front dooor and then off-load all of our bags (planning a day out by the pool with two kids at the home of perfect strangers means bags must be packed!). We started our visit by having lunch at the restaurant. The kids were a little tired so we went to the home of our host and relaxed for a little while. I thought maybe we should skip the swim as the children weren't really themselves and go home. I tried to call my husband several times but, no answer. Then we thought no biggie, we'll just get a car from the compound to take us. Unfortunately all of the phones were down at the compound. I then made a call to our compound and requested a car, nope all booked. After a few more calls to hubbie with no answer, we decided to go for a swim.

At the pool, my host called her husband who said that he could drive the kids and I home when he got home from work. He arrived, we dried off, said our good-byes and hopped into the car. Once outside of the compound gates he says to me:

"So now we're breaking the law two times"

It took me a moment to really understand what he was saying, "really?" I said.

"Yes, I should not be driving you and you are not wearing your abaya"

Oooops!!!

Domestic help

As well s being the most family friendly country I have ever been in, I would also say that Saudi Arabia is a country of luxury....at least for the privileged classes. Good service is standard and domestic help is more than common--it is the norm. That said, the discussion in our home about employing, for lack of a better word, a servant, has been ongoing. For the cost of 10 hours of cleaning in Sweden, we could hire a full-time housekeeper here in Riyadh. For us, this means less time doing chores, more time having fun with the kids.

However, employing a housekeeper (at least in our home) seems to be a much bigger question than that of cost. Does, for example, employing a full-time housekeeper mean that we are supporting an oppressive unjust system? Or, does it mean that we are giving a person in need of work a job with a much needed salary? Are we being fair by offering the going rate or are we exploiting the less fortunate? What is fair and just in a society that is not really a society as we know it but rather a conglomeration of families and tribes held together only by their religion on a mass of dessert land that is home to the birthplace of Abraham...father of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam? Bo Rothstein (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Just-Institutions-Matter-Political-Institutional/dp/0521598931/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1279258331&sr=8-1), where are you when I need you?

Another aspect that has been on our minds is how to manage the family dynamic with the addition of a housekeeper. How do we as parents show our children that all human beings deserve the same level of respect regardless of their work, salary, social class, religion, culture, language, etc, etc, etc? What type of relationship do we want our housekeeper to have with our children and our children to have with our housekeeper? How do we teach our children to pick-up and clean-up after themselves if we have somebody here doing it for them? A housekeeper adds a variable to our family equation that will mean for us as parents an additional amount of thoughtfulness and consideration. And what has been obvious for us is that the maids (that are really jack-of-all-trades: maids, nannies, cooks) really want to spend time with the children because a good majority have left their families back home to come to KSA to earn money to send home. We are just not the type of people that want others raising our kids.....sorry.

Somewhere between 30 and 50% of the Saudi population are foreign workers here on temporary visas. The Europeans, American's and Austrailianers taking the high-skilled jobs for which Saudi's are unqualified and the Asians and Africans taking the service jobs which are considered "beneath" the Saudi's. Go into any store or restaurant, for example and you will not see a Saudi national working but somebody from Pakistan or the Philippines or other Asian nation.

When we started talking about employing a maid, we were really on the fence about it. In Sweden we had a cleaning service come into our home about 10-15 hrs per month. So, we knew that we wanted something, but full time seemed a little over the top. We don't need a full time housekeeper.

We first met a lovely woman from Nigeria who we instantly liked. She had been referred to us by another family that we know. She was nice to the kids and very outgoing. As she said to us, "I really need the money!" She had a son and had to pay for his schooling so having a regular salary was really important to her. But, at the end of the day she lived to far away to make the trip to us every day. As women can't drive she would have had to take a taxi to and from our house every day and that journey would have eaten up a good chunk of her salary.

Next came a woman from Senegal who was referred to us by our driver. I loved listening to her talk with that French accent!! But, she was only looking for work during the summer, until "her family" (that is, the family that she regularly worked for) returned from vacation. She, however, had a sister. At this we decided to call the woman from Nigeria back and offer to pay for part of her travel expense so she could help us until we or she found something else. But then something happened. The phone started ringing off the hook and people started knocking on our door:

"You looking for maid, madam?"

Inside of the compound are two parallel universes. One of expat families, and one of employees--maids, gardeners, maintenance, wait staff, etc, etc and news had travelled fast that a new family had moved in.

We decided to test out the first woman that came knocking. A woman from Sri Lanka with an 11 year old back home. She wanted full time work and to "live-in". We have a maid's room (that does sound better than servants' quarters, doesn't it?????). We were really apprehensive about letting her live-in. For the most part because the standard of the maid's room is so much below the standard of the rest of the house. Our maid's room is, however, much larger than the other rooms I have seen for housekeepers, and it has its own private bathroom with its own entrance. So, comparatively, our maid's room is definitely nicer than the others we have seen. And, at the end of the day, she has no place to live right now as the family she had been working for 5 years, moved back to Pakistan last week. She moves in tomorrow, we'll see how it goes.

So, in three weeks we've gone from not wanting a full-time housekeeper to having a housekeeper live with us. Have we changed or have the circumstances???

Mom's night out

So this evening after dinner and following our after-dinner-swim, H put the kids to bed while I went to the grocery store. Not being able to drive puts some kinks in the normal routine of things. First, as we haven't had the chance to find a housekeeper / nanny, I can't run any errands without dragging the kids with me. Taking the kids with me to the grocery store really isn't a problem, however, since we don't have a full-time driver going to the grocery store in something other than our car with the kids means taking the kids in a car without car seats. (This doesn't seem to be a problem for a lot of people here. The locals have kids crawling all over the place in the car, it doesn't seem as if seatbelts are big here and although I've seen car seats sold here, I have yet to see one in a car). From the expats, I have gotten a surprised look when I say we don't have a driver...but, today at least, I just cant imagine that that is really necessary.

Anyway back to my story, so after the after-dinner-swim I called for a car, put on my abaya and ventured out on my own. Now, I don't know what you're thinking right now, but you may be thinking one of two things...(1) why is that such a big deal? or (2) you did what???!!! ;-) Well, really it isn't such a big deal. The crime rate in KSA is well below that of most major metropolitan areas in the US. That said, it is true that westerners are targets for crime. Just as various groups are targets in other, even western, nations. I think that from the outside there is this perspective that KSA is may be a dangerous place for women. I have not personally felt any more threatened here than any where else. On the contrary, I have found people to be as courteous, friendly, and helpful as in the US (sorry Sweden). And sure, anyplace is a dangerous place if you aren't respectful to the customs and culture or if you take unnecessary risks. And isn't it so that we are often frightened by that which we don't understand? OK, back to my story.

The car was on its way when I remembered that I didn't have any time left on my mobil phone...but then my all knowing and wise husband reminded me that I bought a mobil which took 2 sim cards so I could switch over to my Swedish plan and voila! Air time.

The car arrived and I told the driver to take me to the mall (the grocery store is adjacent to the mall) and asked him to wait outside. He quickly jotted down a telephone number on a tissue and told me that I could call when I was leaving the store...I re-read the number to him and got out of the car amidst a symphony of honking horns (oh, how people love to honk their horns here!). Once inside the mall I thought I should test the number but being the non-technological being that I am, it took me quite awhile to figure out how to switch from my Saudi sim to my Swedish sim. I stood there, with my shopping cart, phone, and tissue trying to figure it out, pressed some buttons and then the telephone wanted to restart and the entire time I am thinking "uh-oh, I hope I'm not stuck here without a phone." (and no car!)

As I am standing, staring at my telephone and wondering why, why, why. I hear for what I think is the 4th time "madam, please". What? Is somebody talking to me? I look up.

"Madam, please"

"Yes", I say.

"Madam, please, cover your hair".

I quickly took up my hijab and covered my hair...THE MUTAWWA! Could this man have been mutawwa? This madam please man? After all of the horror stories I have heard?

Mutawwa are the religious police and they enforce the form of Islam which is Saudi law but most conservatively in the Najd region and its capital, Riyadh. In KSA there is no separation of religion and state, there is no state without Islam. Everything is carried out, at least an attempt is made, according to the Koran (Q'ran). And the mutawwa have a baaaaaaad reputation.

I thought he would hiss at me...not this madam please. How comlpetely non-traumatic. Is KSA going to live up to any of the rumors??? ;-)

Not much happening

Well, I hate to say it but, there isn't much happening here. We've moved into our house but are still waiting for our belongings to arrive from Sweden. The weather keeps us from going out during the day for too long so unfortunately we are filling our time with the Disney Channel and a few toys that we have bought since our arrival. Apparently our belongings have been sitting at the airport since July 2 waiting for us to come and ask customs to let the shipment through to us....too bad nobody called us to tell us it was here. It took a phone call to Sweden to find out that our stuff had arrived...days ago.

Lucky for us, there are a lot of activities for children here. Our 5 year old has been bowling, played tennis, been to arts and crafts, played basketball, played tennis, and has passed on soccer...and of course swimming and a play room. All of these activities have been planned activities (except the swimming and play room) and take place at the Recreation Center about 4 blocks from us. There have been other children there but...where are the parents???

Our first compound activity for children was bowling. 12 kids all around 5, 6, 7 ish, no parents. Except me. I was a little surprised by this, but hey we're new so what do we know? The next activity, was tennis. There I saw two other moms. At arts and crafts I spoke with the other mom present "Where are all the parents" (I know I'm a little over protective, but am I really that over protective?)? Her two years of experience at this compound had led her to the following reply:

"You'll see that. The Americans don't hang out with their children, you'll see only maids/nannys; The european's are almost always with their children even if they have a maid/nanny; the middle easterners are never with their children, the maids/nannys do everything, even if the whole family is going out together the maid/nanny will go along to take care of the children"

After seeing the move to KSA as a real opportunity to spend more not less time with the kids I was surprised that more weren't taking advantage of the opportunity...

But, hey, at the end of the day, we're all different! ;-)