Not Without My Daughter

I have to say that I think we have had good fortune. Living as we live on a compound, not speaking Arabic, and our children not attending a national school, we have had the good fortune of meeting some Saudi nationals. Today the grand total is four. We live in Saudi Arabia and we know four Arabs and I am not sure if one of them counts. They are all men. Three of whom are married to non-Saudis. All of whom are living here in Saudi Arabia.

We were talking to one of the wives the other night and she told us about the story of her moving here from the US. Of course her family's first reaction was panic (not unlike my family's reaction). At this I said,

"They've probably been watching too much Not Without My Daughter"

"Yes", she replies, "when they start to worry or wonder what we are up to they always call my husband with accusation in their voices" Even though they've been married for several years and have half-grown children, the family at home in the US still worries that the Arab is going to harm their daughter.

I started thinking, what if people believed that all American's

only eat at McDonalds
are obese
are racist
are violent
...etc, etc

Many people do believe these things about Americans and what a warped view of the US these people must have...A country of 300 million obese individuals, eating breakfast, lunch and dinner at McDonalds, hating others because of their race, all the while violence running rampant. Doesn't sound like a very nice place to me.

But really, I couldn't remember what actually happened in Not Without My Daughter...Sally Field was married to a man from the middle east, I think I remember that he seemed a kind man. He then wants to move the family to his home country and there he turns into a crazy man who pretty much imprisons the wife and child in their own home..is that how it went?

It made me wonder what we think when met by a piece of work out of Hollywood or even the news:

Sensational or undramatic

Deviant or average

Extreme or normal

Don't they call them dramatizations for a reason?

In reality,

CBS Healthwatch wrote an article about fast food in 2001. In the article, they write that 25% of Americans eat fast food. If 25% eat fast food that means that 75% don't.. So at least 75% of the US population does not eat at McDonalds.

According to the CDC, the US state with the highest rate of obesity is Mississippi (2009). Here, the obesity rate is 34.4%. This may be high and we may have a lot of feelings about it but this is far from every American...in fact, most Americans are not obese.

You get the point.

But this idea of all Arab men being untrustworthy and all women in the middle east being what we in the west would consider abused to some extent...how do we ourselves measure up on this score? According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence:

1 in 4 women in the US will fall victim to DV in their lifetimes

1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year

85% of DV victims are women

Most cases of DV are never reported to the police

So, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black

Mutaawa!

Last night we went out with some friends. The plan was to go out to dinner and then come back to our place for some friendly competition, board game style. As the final prayer of the day was at 7:45pm we decided to make our dinner reservation for just after prayer at 8:20. In the evening you never know what traffic is going to be like. From about 6:00pm - 12:00am it is rush hour. Here the day is flipped around. Anyway, we arrived at the restaurant at 7:50 so we had some time to wait. We decided to walk around and wait for the doors of the restaurant to (re) open. The weather was nice and well waiting outside seemed like a better idea then waiting in the car...that is, right up until the Mutaawa (religious police) showed up.

A car, like a Jeep Cherokee, (although I can't be sure because I didn't really give it a good look) with lights flashing slowed and stopped in the street by where we were standing and one of the men in our group said:

"Is that the Mutaawa?"

Now, for some reason, even though there is no reason to be frightened, my natural reaction is to panic and my girlfriend and I both turn our backs to the street and look at our husbands. As we are women the Mutaawa are not allowed to address us...so if we were alone, they could not come up to us but they get out of their car and approach us. And what is interesting is that they are really young.

"Arabic?"

"What?"

"Arabic?"

"What...no"

The man takes hold of his ghuttra (the red checkered scarf men wear here) and starts signing to us (as it is apparent his english is not very good) It is clear that he wants us (the women) to cover our hair. But our friend says,

"If your women came to our country we wouldn't ask them to cover their hair"

He stands there in strong defiance, staring at the Mutaawa with no apparent discomfort, just a calm lack of respect. He is much bigger than they are. (Now, this is not me, I'll gladly cover my hair, without a word, just to get them to go away and avoid any confrontation) And that is what we did. We quickly covered our hair, silently, not looking at them. I missed part of the exchange in my scrambling to cover my hair because, yes, on the inside, I just want them to GO AWAY!

But I do hear:

"Go house!"

"Go house!"

"Go house!"

Some more words are exchanged between the men and then the Mutaawa leave. I ask,

"Did they want us to go home?"

No. Apparently they thought

(1) we should not be outside during prayer but we weren't the only ones out on the street and the whole thing is kind of lost on us non-muslims,

(2) we should not be wearing sandals. This I have actually thought about several times but hey, it is HOT here and no, I'm not sticking my feet in sweaty shoes just because the Mutaawa don't want my amazingly sexy toes showing and

(3) our hair should be covered.

So in 9 months that is my second run in with the Mutaawa and I have to say, even though I feel uncomfortable ---because I am expecting them to be rude and mean (probably because of what I have read and imagined before coming here)---they are not, they are polite and non-threatening.

The Safety of Marriage

So the other night I was in bed sleeping and woke up to a terrible itching sensation on the ring finger of my left hand. This has happened several times before in the past few months. I remove my wedding rings to find a red pealing rash of some sort...oh, how it itches! The pharmacist seems to think I have developed an allergic reaction to gold. My first thought...I guess I get to go pick out new platinum wedding rings! Although, truth be told, I believe wedding rings should be gold. (Could be the fault of Freda Payne and the countless others who have sung about gold bands...but I couldn't be sure)

For several days now I haven't been wearing my wedding rings. But today, I am going out on a shopping excursion. Our daughter's school is having a Saudi Arabia theme week and on Wednesday they are to come clad in Arabian wear. So, today I will go out and buy my 6 year old an abaya. As I am getting ready, I am eyeing my wedding rings. I think to myself, should I put them on? And, after considering it for awhile, I do.

As little as I want to be swayed by other's opinions, I have to admit with this action that I am. I have heard several times that single women are more likely to be harassed in KSA than married women. Now, I have never been harassed, and if you have read this blog you know that I have never felt intimidated or offended or uncomfortable or, or, or. In fact, as a woman that has grown up in the US with a lot of freedom I can say that there have been several occasions during my lifetime in the US where I have felt threatened...there have been times when I have crossed the street to avoid coming too close to what I have sensed as danger, or have had to ignore remarks made at my passing by, at least once I was physically grabbed by a man while walking down the streeet...but here? never. Granted, I am not out as much here as I would be out other places, I haven't been here very long and I do not speak the language..but even when I moved to Sweden I experienced a certain amount of discomfort and uncertainty, yes maybe even fear due to the fact that I didn't speak the language..but here? not so much.

Is it really more dangerous here? Hostle. That's how my neighbor put it in our brief meeting yesterday. Hostle.

"Hi how are you?"

"Good! How are you?"

"We're fine, how are you adjusting to life in KSA?"

"It's good, I like it. The weather is wonderful and it is really easy to meet people...very social. I like it"

"Yes, well I guess it gets social because we are in such a hostile environment. It makes us want to stick together."

It does? Really? Is that why I am meeting people? Because I (and they) feel threatened by my (our) environment? I don't see it...or feel it.

Am I just naive?

Running Errands in the Kingdom

In many ways, living in Saudi Arabia is very relaxing. It is a calm way of life where everything seems to move a little in slow motion. Most of the people I meet here seem not to have a care in the world. And, even though Riyadh is a big city with a lot of trafic, people do not seem to be stressed out or in a big rush.

I sometimes feel the complete opposite. I feel that I am always aware of the time because of prayer. Yesterday (well I actually wrote this quite awhile ago so not really yesterday) I had planned to take the kids to a shopping mall. I needed a dress, and I thought they would appreciate playing in the amusement park. I had asked our maid to come with so that we could split up if need be. I asked my driver to be here at 9:00 and our maid was also going to come at 9:00. I knew the shops inside the mall didn't open until 10:00 but thought we could get there early, walk around, and be where we needed to be at 10:00 to maximize our usable time. Just under 2 hours.

At 20 after the driver pulled up. We buckled in the car seats and loaded the kids into the car. At 9:30 the maid called. We picked her up on the way out of the compound. So at 9:50 we were on our way. So much for being early. Everybody full of smiles, and me looking at the time. The ride was pleasant. The two in the front sharing all of the places they thought the kids and I should visit. I must admit, I didn't catch most of it. They seemed to understand each other but I have a difficult time with some of the english exchanged between a Pakistani and a Fillapina.

We arrived at the mall well after 10:00. I sent the kids right away to the amusement park and I wend on a hunt for a dress. I didn't find a dress but I did find a new abaya. In the shop they sell the abayas in XXXXXXXXL and then they tailor them. After measuring and asking how I would like it to fit, the man said the alteration would take about 15 minutes. NO problem, I could go buy the kids some chalk and come back. When I came back they said they needed more time and would call me when finished.

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.

It was already 11:30. I had to go get the kids and get lunch ordered before prayer at 11:54 (the prayer times change every day) so I walked all the way to the other end of the mall, went down three flights and rallied the troops toward the food court. As we waited in line the two women in front of us were so taken with the kids that they turned around and started talking to us. Pinching cheeks, running fingers through the kids hair.

"Where are you from?"

"How long have you been here?"

"What do you think of Saudi Arabia?"

"Saudi Arabia welcomes you!!"

As I was waiting for my food, my phone rang and it was my abaya ready to be picked up. I told the man on the other end that it wasn't going to happen, I was waiting for food, the kids were sitting, waiting, hungry. So, he offered to deliver the abaya to me at the food court. How is that for service?! Only one problem----no single men in the family section. He was stopped by security trying to deliver my abaya to me!

After eating, taking the kids by the play area and calling for the driver we mozied down to the pick-up area. While we were waiting two men started trying to get Elliot's attention. It is really festive to see these men -- in their crisp white throbes, red and white checkered ghutra headdress --squatting down, smiling trying to coax a toddler over to them. Their attempts were thwarted, as every time he came to within 3 meters of them, he turned with a smile and ran the other way. Finally, they were forced by their inner desire to come over and chat with us.

"What's your son's name?"

"Where are you from?"

"You speak really good english!"

"How long were you in the States?"

Some of you may be wondering, well, why did they ask the last question? It is because when people (strangers) ask me where I am from I always say Sweden. It isn't exactly a lie. I am technically here from Sweden. I moved to KSA from Sweden. I have a Swedish passport, I have Swedish citizenship, and my iquama (visa) is based on my Swedish passport. However, I'm not really Swedish. So, although Sweden is the non-controversial answer, I do always feel a little strange saying that I am from Sweden.

"You speak really good english!"

"American english!"

"Yes, I've spent a lot of time there" I guess I could have said "thank-you." But, I just love these little encounters I get to have with Saudi nationals...it isn't often, but every time it has happened I've been so happy. Every time it has been pleasant and positive. I hope that before we leave here, we actually have a Saudi friend.

(A few weeks ago, when I was setting up my phone with a new plan, the man helping me was very nice and finally I said to him, "you speak very good english". "Yes," he said, "I've lived most of my life in the US". His father was a diplomat and he lived during his childhood in Washington DC. I asked if he had been back to visit. And he said, not since September 11th. As a person that has moved around in the world, I thought this a little sad. Although he was proud of being a Saudi ("I am Saudi, my mother is Saudi, my father is Saudi.") There is something about childhood experiences and places that people hold close to their hearts. When I left he gave me his card and said that we could call anytime, even if we just wanted some ideas about what to do in Riyadh. Nice.)

"How long were you in the States?" Boy how I was sorry that I had said anything about being from Sweden and about spending a lot of time in the states....I'm not a very good bender of the truth. I could've said, "I've been there a lot, I have family there" Or something. I could've said I was American... but, after almost 10 years of being an American in the world, I like being from a non-controversial place. I've had enough of being a "spokesperson" for American foreign policy, enough of defending or even having an opinion about the US, enough of correcting small or large ignorances about the American people, enough of answering questions about the "typical American". I am a typical American (ok well, maybe not anymore, I guess I don't know) and I don't even know what that means.... luckily the phone rang and interrupted our conversation right when they were awaiting a reply, it was the driver who had arrived. We said some quick good-byes and left. But not before the men gave the kids each a piece of chewing gum.

French for Beginners

When we were getting ready to move to Saudi Arabia, I got asked quite often if I was going to learn Arabic. I hadn't really decided but knew myself that I would have to make a conscious decision as to whether I would try to learn Arabic or not. I decided to not. Why? Well, learning a new language takes time and energy and I thought that maybe that time and energy would be better spent on other things...swimming with the kids for example.

Fast forward 9 months. I'm getting my haircut. I have been regularly going to a salon off-compound. Some of the women speak english but not all...Arabic is the language to know if you're going to chat. So the idea was festering again. Should I learn Arabic? It would make certain things easier, I think I would understand my surroundings a little bit more and of course get a better feel for the people and the culture...but Arabic? That means new alphabet, guttural stops, reading from right to left....I already speak two languages, how much time and energy am I willing to put into this?

After checking into a local school where Arabic is taught, I started to realize that really, the language that I have most contact with here is not Arabic but French. Then I started thinking about all of the times we've been to France...skiing, wine tasting, Paris, the Riviera, Normandie, Avignon...France is one of those countries that seems to have it all...and the food, did I mention the food? I am one of those people that thinks food is one of life's simple pleasures and a good (bad) meal can make (or break) an entire day.

So all of a sudden I started thinking maybe Arabic isn't the language to learn, maybe it is French....when I looked into an on-line course I found that the 12th lesson was entitled "I've got a hangover" Now, I must say, I'm really intrigued.

Saudi Arabia is (not) a Class Society

Yesterday I read an interesting article in the newspaper. One of the princes at a talk he gave at one of the universities told the audience that Saudi Arabia is not a class society. His argument was that since all people are equal according the the Qur'an and that Saudi Arabia is an Islamic country, that it is not a class society. The reason I found this interesting is because Saudi Arabia is a class society to the extreme:

Job postings list the nationality that are allowed to apply for different positions. Higher ranking positions are available only to Saudi, European and North American applicants. Lower ranking positions are divided between far east, asian, subsaharan, north african etc applicants.

I am not exaggerating when I say that many domestic workers here are indentured servants. Along with their sponsorship to come to Saudi Arabia they are expected to pay their sponsors monthly. Others get here and their sponsors refuse to pay them making it impossible for the individual to return home without "fleeing" from their sponsor in search of another (illegal) employment in order to raise the funds to go home.

In other words, in Saudi Arabia there is class distinction between:

the powerful and the powerless

the rich and the poor

the culture of origin

and these distinctions are openly maintained by design.

I was interested in the Prince's inability to say that Saudi Arabia IS a class society and should not be, we should do all we can as Muslims in an Islamic state to eradicate class from our society as is taught in the Qur'an.

Regional Unrest

Well, it has been going on for quite sometime now but, now that I've taken up the blog again, I guess I feel that I should comment on what has been going on in the world. Or, rather, what hasn't been going on here in Saudi Arabia.

During the last several months somewhere between protests and civil war have been taking place in the Middle East and Northern Africa:

Egypt

Tunisia

Libya

Algeria

Bahrain

Djibouti

Iraq

Iran

Jordan

Syria

Oman

Yemen

..and, can we forget (or have we forgotten) Afghanistan?

In fact, if you look closely at a map, you'll see that with little exception, Saudi Arabia is entirely surrounded by countries that can loosely be described as "in conflict". A seeming island of calm in a sea of unrest.

I wouldn't say we, and by we I mean the ex-pat community, have been entirely at ease with what has been going on. There were calls in Saudi Arabia for a "day of rage". That day was March 11th. March 11th came and went, however, with nothing eventful happening. A large police presence and no demonstrators. A few days later, our maid came in in the morning as we were getting ready for school and work

"Is Emily's school closed?"

"No [confusedly] We haven't heard anything."

"There were protests last night and the king has closed all of the schools"

A quick call to the school

"Have you heard anything?"

"No, we havent heard anything"

Later that day we find out that no, there weren't "protests" there were "celebrations" and the king didn't close the schools as a response to unrest but instead as a gift to Saudi families. (That explains why the international schools weren't closed!) These spontaneous "national holidays" happen quite often.

From what I have seen and experienced, it seems as if the people here really love the king and he is of course not a stupid man. Quite the contrary, in the midst of unrest in the middle east the Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques King Abdullah is adding thousands of new jobs to the government payroll, raising the minimum wage, fighting corruption.... and the people are celebrating him.

With that, I must remind everybody that I am not Arab and do not speak Arabic (of course you know this but, a little reminder in context never hurts!). I was completely shocked over the events in Bahrain and Oman....we were just in Bahrain in January and loved it, it felt safe and easy. We never would have imagined a situation as the one today...there. Instinct can be wrong.

An article that you may find interesting:

Saudi's Interest in Arab Upheavals Dwindling

http://arabnews.com/saudiarabia/article336631.ece